Hidden Behind Everything Happy

Deception

It felt like a silent scream was pressing down on me. Like I could feel the time ebbing away. I moved the waistband of my tracksuit bottoms to the left to move the elastic off the lump on my groin. It hurt like a bitch, and had me squirming at night in my bed and in the car to my next hospital appointment. 

I could feel the dull ache in my crotch, I couldn't imagine now ever wanting to have sex. The pain in my scrotum was far too painful to even believe in the possibility of getting turned on ever again; it completely put me off. But feeling good like that felt unnecessary and stupid under the circumstances. I shouldn't miss that feeling Sophie gave me, even when it had been amazing.

 My stomach was aching too and the pain floated up into my throat like some kind of heartburn. I felt heavier than usual when I stood or tried to walk and my fatigue was weighing me down. 

"Mum?" I asked lying down on the floor suddenly. I hadn't felt this ill in my entire life. It had been feeling different the last few days, only slightly different mind, but today the difference was hitting me full force. I had this hideous cough and I watched as my Mum became totally terrified about it, knowing it could be yet another symptom of my cancer. 

She hadn't heard me... I hadn't noticed how faint my voice had gotten. It was probably down to the fact that in the last few days my Mother had been taking repeated beatings from my father because she didn't want him hurting me when I was in this state. I lay down on my side purple stars flying in my vision, those technicolour spots that you got when you hung upside down or stood up too fast; this was sickening. I'd never had a feeling like this before. 

My cough reared its ugly head then. It was raking up in the back of my throat and making me splutter and choke. I held my hand near my mouth and started coughing, this was hurting like hell and felt like my guts were being coughed up. I tasted copper, a hot sopping wetness soaked my mouth.

"Mum!" I started crying out her name, I felt so helpless. I didn't like it, the pain was burning all the way from the top of my throat to the bottom of my stomach and now my mouth was burning too. I felt that ball in my neck as it tightened and I coughed harder still. And this time things were different. 

I ran up the stairs hearing my title of 'mum' being yelled. I swung open his bedroom door and smiled expecting to be asked to make a sandwich, but then my stomach dropped. There was blood on the floor, and  Lukas lying in the blood with his eyes closed. His face contorted in pain and his body shaking uncontrollably. 

"Lukas! Lukas!" I collapsed next to him pulling his head into my lap, all down one side of his face was smeared blood, his eyes were clenched shut in pain but his hand grabbed my arm and squeezed. He was coughing darkly, a deep gut-wrenching gurgling noise rising in his throat. Then I heard his voice, sharp and stretched. 

"Hospital" It was raspy and cut short by more blood coming from his mouth. In a panic, I called the ambulance and yelled the address down the phone. I didn't bother calling Lukas' father for help; he would either not come or laugh at the state of Lukas' thin and weak body. His lack of hair had been alarming enough without seeing all the weight slide off him and the bones of his body becoming more pronounced and easy to see. 

Oh baby, I thought desperately. Don't die my baby boy. Hold on, hold on! Not today... 

"Miss Robinson, your sons condition has deteriorated greatly" I nodded, it took a doctor to tell me that why? I could have told him that, Lukas hadn't been coughing up pints of blood the last time I'd checked so obviously his condition had deteriorated. 

"He's suffered what we refer to as a metastatic cancer, the cancer's spread to other parts of his body including major organs like his lungs and bowels. He wont be able to go home again" I thought about that, the reason he'd refused treatment was because he didn't want to die in a hospital. But I had no choice, I had to give him the best chance of survival. 

"Is there anything you can do?" The doctor had been through this journey with me. His name was Doctor Lance Allistaire, he was a trained surgeon and he would be the one to operate on Lukas. 

"It seems the newer tumours may be operable but the original tumour is very advanced. We don't want to put your son through any unnecessary discomfort at this time, but we could operate if we thought it was the correct course of action" I thought about that, was prolonging this life the correct course of action for him? I looked through the window at his unconscious body. 

"He looks so peaceful" I was genuine about that. My baby boy looked like a sleeping angel.

"He's really gonna need as much support from the people he loves as he can get Mrs Robinson" I thought about that, who did he have besides me? I then thought; he had Sophie. I'm sure she wouldn't abandon him when he needed support, the look on her face when she'd found out I knew my husband was beating him told me that. 

"My name's Miss Cleaves" I thought aloud gingerly smiling, why should I stay with this monster of a man after everything he'd put me through? I deserved better than that, and so did Lukas. I had to be strong for him through this. 

"He wants the operation" The Doctor looks uneasily at Lukas. 

"He requested not to have any further treatment" I was putting the Doctor in one hell of a situation, and I knew it. But I also knew that it was my job to look after my son, and although I hadn't always been good at that I could maybe make up for that now; this could save his life. 

"Well I'm requesting otherwise. He's seventeen but my authority as mother overtakes his in a court of law, and that's how far I'll take it!" I watched as the Doctor held up his hands in a surrender, looking disappointed at his feet. I muttered under my breath, what right did he have to judge me for taking this decision into my own hands, he wasn't the one forced into it by cruel fate. 

"He'll be pleased, in the long run. You'll see he'll get through this" The Doctor didn't say anything but instead then walked away. I felt a squirming in my stomach, even the Doctor didn't have faith in my decision. But I did, and I was sure Lukas did. 

"I cant believe your taking this away from me" I actually couldn't. How could my own Mother take away my decision to live or die; the right to live was mine. It was bad enough having to explain to the hospital councillor what it was like staring death in the face without having to tell my own Mother. She should understand without me having to tell her. 

My Mum was sat on the chair beside the bed. I could still taste the blood in my mouth from the night before, but it tasted a damn lot sweeter than this vile bitterness she was trying to force down my throat. The nurse was holding the little cup of pink painkiller like I was some kind of child. Apparently I was not able to handle solid food yet as the cancer had taken out part of my stomach lining. Now I couldn't even find joy in my favourite foods. 

"Take your medicine Mr Robinson" The nurse was no more than thirty, with long blond hair, a womanly bust and a sweet plain face. Plain was nice, I thought absentmindedly. Maybe plain was what I needed in my last few weeks. I saw her bringing the cup near my mouth. It smelt like bananas and almost made me gag. 

"Thank you" I lifted my hand, placed it around hers and swigged down the sickly sweetness crinkling up my face. That was gross. She smiled and left the room, the sudden gloom flooded the room. The nurses here always had such a positive vibe whenever they entered, but when they left it was a really awful come down. 

"I didn't take anything away from you. I've given you the chance to have so many wonderful experiences throughout your life" She said that like it was the most obvious thing in the world; like she honestly believed prolonging this agony was any standard of living. 

"Mum, nobody ever asked me if I want to live!" I pulled the duvet over my head feeling sickened to my stomach. Her eyes welled up and she ran from the room crying. I didn't want to see her. This pain was just too much; I didn't want to see anything anymore.