Never the Same

Fourty-Three

This was it, this was the day, Graduation day. I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry, Ryder's leaving me. I know it, were gonna be separated and it won't work out.

I get out of bed, I throw on a strapless blue floral romper, white vans, I curled my hair loosely and put on concealer, mascara, and eyeliner. Of course each was water proof. I grab my tan over the shoulder purse and graduation gown over my romper. I put my blue graduation cap on over my curls and I sigh.

"Honey, are you ready to go," My mom calls from downstairs with Dave most likely at her side.

"Yeah. I'll be down in a minute," I yell back at her, I just need a little time to process everything. I look around my room, all the pictures Ryder stole from the abandoned factory are in my room.

That was when I had a mental breakdown and cried my heart out. "Sweetie, are you okay," my mom asks and knocks on the door frame. I shake my head and she rushes over to comfort me. "What's wrong baby girl?"

"I can't leave mom. I don't want to, I want to start high school over and fall in love over and over and over again with Ryder Johnson. I can't leave him mom, it physically hurts me when I don't see him for a week, what will a forever do to me mom? I'm so in love with hi it hurts every part of my body. I don't want to leave my best friends. I can't leave mama. Ryder has emotionally, mentally and physically made it hurt to be without him. Why is it like this," I cry out to her. She just sits down on my bed and pats the seat next to her. I sit down and wrap her into a hug.

"I know how it feels sweetie. Remember your dad and I? After the divorce it hurt, it left a whole in my chest. But I stayed strong for you baby girl. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna have the time of your life in collage. You're gonna move on and become a lawyer, you're gonna get married and have children. You'll be amazing." I cry even more, I'll become a lawyer, I'll marry Ryder, I'll have baby Ryder's running around the house.

I decided to lie to my mom, "You're right. Let's just get going."

"Might want to put this in your purse sweetie." She handed me flash cards, my graduation speech.

"Let's go mom." I grab my phone and put it in my purse with the flash cards. She takes at least 103820 pictures of me and we hit the road. I was in a group chat with Kate, Blair, and Alison. We were sending pictures of our outfits. Alison wore a light red strapless dress with her hair straightened and put into a ponytail with black converse. Blair wore a pink strapless sundress and put her hair in right curls and gray toms. Kate wore a white sundress with pink converse and her hair straightened. This was it.

We drove to the school and walked to the football field, I won't talk to Ryder again after this. "Aspen," I hear Kate yell from behind me.

"Hey," I say softly. "Mom get a picture of us." We wrap our arms around each other and one on our hips.

Then we take one where we were leaning back, a hand over our mouths and we made guns with our fingers.

"Aspen," Alison squealed when Kate walked away, we hugged and took a nice picture of us smiling.

Then one of us back to back with our hands in guns that pointed in the air.

"Hey bitch," Blair said and hugged me. Again, one smiling.

Then one of us with one leg up and the other holding it. Inside joke: we would walk around my house saying "Slayyyyy" and kicking our legs in the air.

Then we take a picture of all of us laughing together and one of us with the serious guy pose, you know how guys never smile in pictures? That one.

"Hi baby," Someone says and wraps their arms around my waist. No, no, not today.

"The graduation is about to start," the principle says and I silently pray to The Lord. I sit in between Blair and Kate. "Blair Evens... Hailee Brinley... Camden Hemmings... Ryder Johnson... Trenton Riggs... Jaydon Rogers... Aspen Smith." This was it, I got up to the front of the room and everyone starred. I got my little paper thing and smiles softly.

Once everyone got their diplomas it was finally, "Aspen Smith, come up here to give your speech." I inhaled and exhaled, I smiled and walked across the stage.

"I would like to thank my lovely mom and... my dad that's gone, my teachers, my classmates, and google. As much as I would love to stand up here and say "bye losers, see you in ten years" I can't. I have way to memories here, let's just say I have the best friends in the world right now, they support me through this roller coaster called life. On this day when we are looking forward to the exciting lives unfolding before us, I invite you, my fellow classmates, to stop and look back to our first day of junior year. We were the same but different: shorter, immature, and possibly unsure of ourselves. This was the day when we first heard the phrase "You can't should have done something." Wisdom that should be used to guide us through the difficult times ahead. We will be presented with decisions for the rest of our lives. We already have experiences with making choices: we had to choose whether to brave antics and take physics. We also had to choose whether to actually work on final projects or stay up late watching Netflix. We also made bad decisions, like trying to chew gum in Senora Ryen's class. Some of us made this decision over and over again. While we made decisions every day as a high school student, they were not as life altering and important as the decisions that we face in the future. The choices that we make in the next few years affect who we will become more than any other decisions we have to make. We must declare a major, and then we might change it, and change it again. The beautiful thing is that our class has so much potential. We can do anything we want. After college or whatever comes next, the decisions continue. We will make friends that will last a lifetime, and we will find a job, which won't always be close to home. Many decisions end in regret, but more often, the decisions in which we choose not to do something are the ones we regret the most. "You can't should have done something" means that while you can regret a decision, it is impossible to go back and change it. When you are old and look back on your life, you don't want the thoughts to be of regret but of happiness, joy, and pride. That is why I encourage the graduates of the class of 2014 to get it right the first time, and don't let opportunities pass you by. Befriend the stranger, take the job offer across the country, choose the major that will make you happy, and don't hold back. That's why I, Aspen Smith, decided-." Then I broke down in sobs, you could hardly hear me. "I can't do this." I run off the stage and into the school, back to where it all started, the detention room.

"This is a mistake. A huge fucking mistake," I groan out and slide down the door. I wipe the tears from my eyes, I'm such a let down. I had one easy job, one easy fucking job.

"Aspen," Ryder says and knocks on the door, I start crying even harder. He ends up opening the door.

"Go away," I say in between sobs.

"Shh it's okay." Ryder sits on the floor and pulls me into his chest.

"No it's not Ryder."

"Why not?" He was rocking me back and forth.

"We can't be together." I pushed away from him and ran, all the way home.