Out of Touch

Movement Ten: Diluendo

I was done with love. I wouldn't play around with romance anymore. I just fell for Jacob. I had fallen off the cliff to intensity. I wasn't ready. I still wasn't ready. I was never ready. I would never be ready. I hated him and all he did for me.

Life had lost its substance. I lived in the words of Alaina, all the thoughts she would lend me. She would talk to me about things to distract myself. She would talk about her assault at a young age, which reminded me of him. I chose to only speak about that once. She would talk about the things she wrote. She would talk about her family which is honestly much more off putting than it seems to her. I don't think she ever witnessed what a real family is supposed to feel like. But then again, I'm not one who should be talking. At least my ideal of a family is a lot more sane. She would talk about the things she read and how her favorite author was Patrick Ness. He was gay. Not something I wanted to discuss.

But I never spoke. I never told her about Jacob, even though she knew him through a mutual friend, her brother. I never told her what had happened to me. I was afraid I would scare her off. The only things she really knew was about Luna and what I wanted her to know. As much as I wanted to tell her the truth, I couldn't. I had really come to enjoy her presence in my life, her company, and her words. She had a way with those. 

I walked into lunch. After buying an excess of food which I would, without a doubt, consume, I sat in my usual spot. Alaina sat across from me, where she preferred. We waited, looking for Matt. He never showed.

"Where's the slut at?" I asked. Even though I was the slut...

"I saw him in line with Vinh. I thought he was going to come over here. I guess not."

I continued to eat. Food was my solace. It was comfort. It was there. It was expensive but it was reliable. I loved food.

Alaina's phone buzzed with a message. She looked down. Then she looked sick. 

"What's wrong?" I attempted to draw her from where she was.

"It's nothing," she shoved her phone into her bag. 

I nodded.

"Does your past ever come back to haunt you?" She looked me in the eyes. My soul felt like it was on fire. "I thought it only happened in the books or horror movies as an excellent plot device. I didn't think it could happen in real life."

"It does, yes," I nodded. Man this burger was delicious.

"I've always sought forgiveness but I don't think..." She hesitated. "I don't think this is something I could forgive."

She was hiding something too. It dawned on me that despite everything she had put forth, all the talking and opening up she had done, she was hiding something too. It was like a knife had ripped me open. I really liked her, the way she was. She was cunning.

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it," she shoved it off. 

Sneak.

"All right," I shrugged. "Do you want to help me with a project I'm working on?"

"Sure," her eyes lit up though she stayed in the same state.

She loved to help people, despite how she felt. She would always help. I admired that about her. It was something I desired to learn. 

"I'll call you later tonight," I grinned.