Out of Touch

I Cry Every Time

Everyone deals with loss. People come, people go. It's the tragic circle of life and relationships. Our lives fade in and out, told to ourselves by the memories of those we surrounded ourselves with.

It's more tragic the closer you are to a person. I think it's worse when the person you lost is still alive. They're there, but you can't reach them, you can't touch them. You can't hear their voice on the phone anymore and be consoled by their words because they understand what you need.

I just need someone to hold me and tell me it's okay.

I deal with friendly loss a lot, of course. I force people away because I don't trust them. Why? Because entering high school, I made a mistake. I trusted one person.

And he ravaged me to pieces.

I walk out of school. I walk to my older brother's car. Today is the day. The anniversary of when we stopped being friends. I'm not going to enjoy today. I've been dodging Andy and Matt. I wonder if they've noticed? Granted, I still sat with them at lunch. Matt noticed I was out of it. Am I trying to seem out of touch? I don't understand what I'm doing anymore. 

My phone buzzes. I pull it out, looking at my phone. 

Trevor R has messaged you.

My phone falls out of my hand, crashing to the pavement. No. No no no no no. Not today. I stare at my phone on the ground. This can't be happening. This isn't allowed. No. I can't handle this. I-

"You dropped something." Matt walks up behind me.

I reluctantly pick it up. I stick it in my back pocket, the one I never put it in. I can't deal with this.

"I noticed." I put on a fake smile. It drops quickly. I can't even think straight in this moment. 

"Are you okay?" He asks.

"I'm fine." I brush it off. I can't dwell on this topic for long or I'll cry. If I cry, I'll need someone. Needing someone is terrible. No one should have to deal with my shit. 

My brother grabs my sweatshirt sleeve as he walks by, pulling me along, towards his car. I guess this is a good escape as any. Some part of me feels more upset. Shut up me, we're distant and we're going to keep it that way. 

"I'll talk to you later." I kind of give Matt a half wave.

He stays still for a moment more before he walks away, probably to his car. I feel...bad. I just left him hanging. I can tell he knows I'm lying. He's a liar, he must see right through me. He will end up talking to me. I can tell.

The car ride home goes by quickly. I barely even notice. My thoughts are reeling. I remember him so vividly now. All the nights I spent with him. How many times I saved him. How much I stood up for him. Others would call emotional abuse but I always told myself it was just emotional misunderstanding. It hurt like hell. All the fights. All the blame I took for things just so he would stop. I buckle under the pressure of conflict. I'll do anything to make it stop. 

When I get home, I lie in bed. I'm mourning, letting my emotions take control of me. My phone buzzes at 3:30. I know who it is this time. It's always this time.

Matt: Hey

I didn't want to reply. I didn't know what he would say. He's so fucking...unpredictable. 

Me: Hi
Matt: What's wrong?

I could lie to him. I always lie. 

Matt: And don't lie to me.

Fuck. I giggled to myself a bit. He knew me so well. Did I really have to tell him?

Matt: It's okay, you can tell me.

Fuck that kid. It's like he knew what to say.

Me: I fought with my friend 
Matt: What's his name? Let me talk to him.

I laugh to myself. I hadn't even talked to him in a year. The wound still stung.

Me: No you don't have to do that.

I knew how Matt got when he was angry. It was scary. The tales that Andy spun for me about Matt in middle school just scared me more. I didn't want to make him mad, ever. I get scared so easily. I'm scared of enough as is.

Matt: What can I do right now?

What? What could he do? I was confused.

Me: What do you mean?
Matt: If you won't let me talk to the guy
Matt: What can I help you with

I sank to the floor from my bed. What did I need? I never let people in. Not since...that. Right now, my judgement was bruised and stained. My heart was painted with pain, frozen and kept away. No one. 

The thought surfaced in my head. Can I trust Matt? I had decided to trust Andy, but Andy also trusted me. Andy was the least harmful person I knew. He was just an innocent little puppy. Matt...Matt was a bit scary. He was unpredictable, unreadable, untraceable. But...he knew me well. He'd insist to know, no matter what I said. And deep down part of me knew.

I trust Matthew.

Me:Tell me it's okay
Me: Even if it's a lie
Me: Even if you don't know it is, or when
Me: I just need to know it because I can't believe myself...

I dropped my phone down. I could feel the lump in my throat. I pulled my knees to my chest. This...this wasn't okay. I was being stupid. I'm retarded. I trusted people. I was going to get hurt.

But I believed Matt. And I believed Andy. I...I trusted them.

It was going to hurt.

My phone buzzed. Once...twice...three times.

I picked it up. Matt H has messaged you.

Matt: Of course it's okay
Matt: It's not a lie
Matt:You've got me

He was still typing.

Matt: You've got Andy
Matt: You've got Stella, Vinh, Ava
Matt: Jay, John, Mickey
Matt: Megs
Matt: You have all of us who'd support you
Matt:  Against all of us, what is just one boy's opinion? His words, against the group of ours?
Matt:  His words, against mine?
Matt: Angry, irrational words? Against mine?

Tears started falling down my cheeks. He knew. He knew how much his words meant to me. He...he fucking knew. He knew. I couldn't believe it.

Matt: Everything will be okay

I wrapped my arms around my knees, resting my head on them. I was crying so much but I was grinning to myself. He had said the right things. I didn't even need to instruct him specifically. He knew what I needed. 

I loved that about him.

I took a minute. Finally I messaged back.

Me: Thank you