Out of Touch

Movement Nine: Fermata

I laid there in shame. Jacob's arm snaked around my middle. I felt...disgusting. I didn't like this. The constant triggering of memories. I liked Jacob. He was kind but he was not gentle. 

"Jacob, I don't know if I can do this," I say quietly. "I like you...but I want to take things slower."

Jacob stares at me blankly. "I was doing this for you, Andy. I thought I was allowing you to explore yourself. It's not like I even like you. If you decide to take things slower, I will fucking drop you and tell everyone that you're a faggot."

"B-b-but I'm not!" I yell. I don't know what I am anymore. I'm too scared to admit it, too scared of Jacob and my past to explore it. 

"You are," Jacob got up, putting a shirt back on. He walked out of the room. 

Damn it. The tears wanted to come again. He had no idea what had happened to me. He had no clue what was running through my head every time he put his hands on me. I thought maybe I liked him. Maybe I could fall in love with him. Part of me was and here he was treating me like garbage. I threw the blanket off myself, getting my clothes back on. This was ending here. That was my decision.

Jacob came back in. I stood up.

"Take me home," I state.

"Just think it over, Andy," Jacob pulled me close. "Do what I ask or let everyone know you're gay. It's your choice."

I nodded, keeping quiet. I wanted to hit him, make him understand the pain he was putting me through. He seemed so kind and caring but in reality, he was dead inside. He was sucking the life from me in my vulnerability. I thought I liked him.

I stared out the window for my car ride home. I felt suffocated by my own fear. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to break out of this death trap and run. I wanted to run as long as my legs would carry me. I wanted to run and scream until my lungs gave out and I collapsed dead. I wanted to leave this impasse and not look back. 

Jacob rolled up to my house. The doors remained locked. Did he wish to say something? I could throw open the lock and run if I had to. I could sprint to my back door in a matter of seconds. I could drown myself in the pool before his hands could reach me.

He set a hand on my leg. I froze. I kept my gaze out the window. Slimy. Dirty. Disgusting. Vile. I had agreed, hadn't I? Doesn't that make me the same? Soiled. Stained. Greasy. I would have to touch him if I wanted to escape.

"Andy-"

"No thanks," I pushed his hand away and I left.

My dignity was still with me but my pride, my hopes, my will to live, had all been left behind me.

I walked downstairs. I locked myself in my room, not my bedroom but the little storage area that was a workbench. This was my room. This is where I was forced to store myself. I had locked my life away in here. Protect me. 

I picked up pieces here. Music, my writing, pictures I had drawn, my wax figurines. A small bag of wax leftover from countless miniature Laughing Cow cheese sat there. A gift from Alaina to create a gift of my own. What was the point? I pounded my fist into the bag, crushing the wax together. Everything was whole as I crumbled to pieces. 

My phone vibrated in my back pocket. I shoved my pieces aside to sit down. The picture I had drawn of Jacob stared up at me. His small brown eyes and curly hair peaked at me. That snake had wiggled his way into my heart. I picked it up and tore it in half. In half. In half. In half in half in half in half. The paper fluttered to the floor like confetti. A drop. Was the roof leaking? Another. I couldn't see. My vision blurred like streets in a flood. Damn it. Damn it all. I wiped my hand furiously across my eyes. Another day, another heartbreak. Is that why my chest hurt so much? I felt like I couldn't breathe although my lungs were functioning just fine. 

Message from Alaina

She had the worst habit of creeping into the corners of my mind.

Alaina: Hey beautiful

I didn't have the will to reply. I had already read the message. If I didn't answer her now, she'd wait a few hours, a few minutes, a few seconds to reply again in hopes of catching me. 

Me: hey

I set my phone down. I went further back, to where all the pillows laid. I let myself down. I shut my eyes, shut down my world, and let the nightmares drag me to sleep.