Out of Touch

Censored

I walked into the library. Alina was sitting on her computer, typing quietly next to Andy. Vinh was sitting in a booth in the back of the room with Stella and Faith. I opted for Vinh. Andy and Alaina were getting too close lately. I didn't want just their company. Andy argued everything with me without insight. Alaina was just quiet. On the other hand, Vinh opposed everything with spite, Stella had insightful arguments in her strong opinions and Faith was just teeming with quips of knowledge.

I sat down, working on my book. The three girls around me were talking about a series of books. I jotted it down for my own future reference. I was devising a scheme. Maybe I'd kill off a character to spite Alaina, who'd grown so attached to my new couple. Maybe I'll make him be on the other side, just fooling her over. 

I couldn't focus.

I got up, searching the shelves for that book the group had been talking about. Throne of Glass. I picked it up, walking myself over to the check out counter. I grinned at Mrs. Rudolph, the second librarian. She smiles back at me, waddling over to the counter.

"Hey Matt," she grinned. "Getting yourself stuck in a new series?"

"Always," I laughed in response.

I get along very well with adults. They're more intelligent than people my age and their wisdom helps me through my own life. Besides that, Mrs. Rudolph did not put up with shit from the younger kids of today. She was unphased by ignorant children that screamed at her. She loved what she did. She made jokes that only the cultured of us understood. 

The day ended quickly. I shut my laptop, closing up my bag. I met my siblings outside of school at my car. I drove them home.

Next, I got ready for work. I passed the book on top of my binder on my way out. I grabbed it, figuring I could get in some reading while I worked desk. 

The book opened up with a kickass female assassin. She and the prince in the novel had a lot of tension going on but I could totally see them as a couple. That led me to thoughts of Stella. She was just in a relationship with Andy, though he made sure that one flopped. She told me that he was so out of focus that he seemed uninterested. That scared her into turning him down. Stella was pretty though. She was a great friend. I wouldn't mind dating her. 

One of my coworkers approached my counter. He asked for his paycheck, it was Thursday after all, and waited until I retrieved it for him. This kid was young but he had looks. His blond hair curled perfectly and his smile was electric. I wouldn't mind dating him either. 

I looked down at the holes in the mat behind the desk. Yes, I was bisexual. I was smart enough to appreciate the values of both genders. I recall that I used to hate the homosexuals, thought bisexuals were fake, and thought that heterosexuality was the only way. But as I grew, as I learned, as I experienced more, I found that it wasn't so gross. People are disgusting nowadays and it takes awhile to learn just what you like. I had a few run-ins that taught me what I liked. 

I was too scared to do anything about it though. That's one thing I hate about relationships. I am a monster on the inside. I used to allow myself to be weak but not anymore. I didn't trust anyone. I stopped after people hurt me. I wasn't going to let myself be treated like that any longer. I don't want the person I love to have to put up with the monster on the inside. I'd fake it for them but I always got tired. I didn't want to be that terror in their life. 

Maybe that's why I was good friends with Alaina and Andy. Neither of them were probably aware but all of us are so damn broken. 

I didn't want to be that way anymore. I wanted to make decisions. I wanted to love and be loved. Maybe I'm getting desperate but in my head it makes sense. I'm going to set out on my own.

For now.