My Public Diary

Bum

God I loved you... I fucking loved you so much. Everything finally felt right. I felt happy and okay. I was happy with you and everything around me felt right. I loved you with my whole being. I still love you and that fucking sucks. It fucking sucks because you don't love me anymore. We spent everyday with each other and you were my best friend. You knew me better than I knew myself and I knew you better than anyone else. We were one in the same. Everything was so easy. Being with you felt so normal and so good. I finally started loving myself. The more you made me feel loved, the more I felt I deserved it. God I wanted it to last forever. It felt like it would but I knew it wouldn't. I knew from the start that it would end. I just didn't think it would take the much of a toll on me. I didn't know that how I felt would not only be reversed but made so much worse by my own mind. You stopped my thoughts from hurting me and now you're not here to protect me from myself. No one is. I still love you as much as I did the day I realized you were my everything. I remember telling you I loved you from the car as you began to walk away. You came back and kissed me again like you had never kissed me before. I knew you loved me too. I knew I'd be okay if I let myself love you back. I tried not to. I tried to tell myself that I shouldn't let myself open up too much. I knew it'd never last. I wanted to believe we could make it last but I knew I'd ruin it somehow and I did. You were kind, beautiful, amazing, and understanding. You understood everything and you loved every part of me. Every part that I hated and every part I wanted to change. You loved it all and told me to never change. Even when I ended the best part of my life, you told me not to cry. You told me not to lose sleep. You wanted me to be more than okay. You wanted me to be content with my decision and make sure that I changed myself for the better because that's what I wanted to do. I didn't know that you had become my source of happiness. I didn't realize that I had stopped crying until I started crying again. Maybe that was unhealthy but maybe it was what I needed. I don't know. I know that I miss you. I know that I miss how I felt. I miss kissing you and feeling safe in your arms. I miss the feeling of your hand in mine. I'm scared alone. I'm scared because I don't feel the safety of you near me anymore. I'm scared and alone and I've never felt more like this before. Everything is so much worse. But I can't tell you any of this. Because you've moved on. You said you're over me. You don't think about me anymore. You've moved on with your life but my brain won't let me. Separation issues, anxiety, depression, and everything in my life right now won't let me move on. I hate myself for this. In the end, I will always love you. I love you enough to hope you live the happiest life possible. You deserve the best out of everything. Please be happy, Bum... I love you...