My Public Diary

My Empty Relapse

I feel like I'm relapsing.... And I'm relapsing hard...
I'm hurting everywhere, mentally and physically. I'm staying clean because I made a promise I don't intend on breaking..
But I feel all alone... I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to.. I don't feel like I have friends. I feel that everyone is too busy for me.. I feel like I'm just something that is just... there..
No purpose, nothing useful. I'm just there. Sometimes people will talk to me like they never left but another moment passes and they're gone again...
I'm starting to hope everyone leaves and doesn't come back. I feel like that would be less lonely than having a bunch of friends that practically want nothing to do with you.
I'm so alone because I'm surrounded by people that never acknowledge my existence.. I talk to pretty much two people ever. And even then, I'm the one that starts the conversation every time and honestly I wouldn't mind that if I felt like they were actually interested in talking to me. But it never feels that way.
I feel like a burden to everyone. I thought all these feeling were gone and that I was happy but I was wrong.. I thought I was happy.... I thought I finally beat this.. Even then I knew it was still there... Just tucked away in the back of my mind.. Then I got really sad again...
When I thought I had beat this, it was so sudden... One morning I just woke up and realized I was happy... I felt good. I felt happy... But I guess just as fast as it comes, it goes. I told my mom that I was happy.. I felt happy and I didn't have to hide sadness anymore.. But one day I had to hide it again... And I still am...
Crying at night wishing someone would just randomly think about me and message me.. But no one ever does... Ever....
I'm locked in a pattern of lying and crying. I cry at night and I lie during the day. Every. Single. Day.
I can't even talk to my best friend. I'm probably not even close to being their best friend. Unrequited friendships are just as real as unrequited love. And it's the worst kind of loneliness and sadness. Caring about someone who couldn't care less. I could just end the friendship altogether but then the reality of having no one would be even more apparent... Thinking about it makes my sadness grow...
Why can't anyone see how sad I am...? Am I just that invisible...? Am I really that insignificant...? I even say that I'm sad but no one cares enough to actually ask about it. My brother told me that he knew that I was sad all year but that never made him ask about it or try to help... He just sat back and ignored me or insulted me, making it worse.
Just because I have a good life doesn't mean I'm not allowed to be sad... Why don't they get that...? I love my life. I wouldn't change much about it. I would change my situation if I could but that's completely out of my control. I can't make my dad nice and understanding. I can't make my brother not have Aspergers. I can't make me happy...
Moving away from my grandparents was hard and made my depression worse. Making new friendships and ending them made it worse too... The friendships that have ended in the last year have been worse than the friendships ended years ago... They've effected me more. I shut people out more. I don't start new friendships for the fear of them ending... I won't talk to anyone with the intention of talking to them again... I'm harsh and my wall is big.. I'm constantly adding layers to the wall people keep trying to break down.
My bubble keeps getting bigger. Keeping people farther from me. I keep isolating myself from people and then complaining about being lonely... I just need to find the one person to break my wall and be there long enough for me not to build a new one. Just one...
My loneliness is like a huge box with no windows or doors. I'm completely trapped in darkness with nothing but my thoughts to keep me company. And the longer I'm in this box, the worse the thought get... My thoughts about this update is like when you type a huge paragraph about something important to you to someone you care about and their reply being "k". I feel like that's how everyone reacts to my updates... I have nothing to keep me sane in this state of mind... No one or anything. None of my "friends" are even there to keep my sane and I don't have any talents to focus on or hobbies of any kind. So I just stay in this box... Alone... Desperate...

I feel empty