My Public Diary

Notes from my phone...

It's been a year since I've written in here so here is what I have been writing down.

...

9/6/16
It actually pains me to think someone cares about me even a little bit.
I hate myself so much sometimes that I get pissed off at my friends and stop talking to the for period at a time.
I love talking about my problems because it helps me take my mind off of them believe it or not. But I hate telling people about my problems because they get used against me every time something goes wrong.
The last time I had a close guy friend was when I was first starting to figure myself out and I thought I could trust him and confess to him that I thought I was bisexual and as soon as something went wrong he called me a stupid dyke and wanted nothing to do with me. I was only 14 and I didn't even know what dyke meant...
I hate how tall I am.. I hate that other people are just naturally skinny and I'm just naturally athletically challenged.. People find it so easy to exercise but I honest to god cannot do it without feeling an extraordinary amount of pain. And I eat when I'm stressed so I'm over weight
My sister bullied me into feeling ashamed of myself and to this day I think about her calling me fat all the time.
My brother called me useless throughout my childhood. He told me that I was useless and couldn't do anything right. I'm a waste of space and a burden on my family
I don't feel that I deserved to be loved or have friends or even be alive sometimes
I don't feel that people care for me unless I'm expressing distress and they feel that they need to care about me in the moment.
I feel like a burden to everyone who knows me
I feel that anytime someone sees that I've texted them or called or tried to contact them in any way... They get annoyed..
Cutting myself felt like the only way I could stop thinking about all of the pain I feel in my head...
My family made me believe that it's my fault for being depressed..
It's my fault that I sit alone and cry at night or in the shower... It's my fault that I feel worthless... It's all my fault...
I'm the unwanted sibling... My sister never wanted me around.. My brother hates me... He tells me so... He tells me how useless and worthless I am.. He tells me how much he hates me and how much better his life would be without me... My parents didn't even want me. I just happened...
The only people I believe would be sad without me is my mother and my grandma... Everyone else would be fine...
I want to just sleep and not wake up...
I don't want to go to school and feel like the ugliest girl there.. I don't want to put on makeup just to be teased about it... I don't want to try to look nice just to see someone who looks nicer...
I hate that I feel the need to have someone's approval to feel good... I hate that I look at myself in the mirror and I just want to cry. I hate that when I'm around people I feel that everyone is looking down on me.
I hate going to the beach... I hate being in a swimsuit where everyone can see my scars and my cellulite and my stretch marks. I hate that when I just want to tan I hear my brother saying that I look like a beached white whale. I hate looking at all the pretty girls in bikinis while I'm in a one piece. I hate that when I see a cute guy I feel that he's making fun of me to all of his friends even though he has no idea who I am.
I hate knowing that there are three very small, very thin blade sitting in a box above my head right now and I can't touch them. I can't use them. And I can't have any distraction from the pain I feel in my head...
I hate the fact that I cuss. I find it disgusting but I can't stop. I hate the f word and I hate that I hear them coming from my mouth.
I hate feeling happy.. I feel like I don't deserve it... I feel that I should be sad all of the time.. I feel that I have no reason to be happy and I should stop myself from smiling no matter how much I want to. I actually remind myself to stop smiling throughout the day.
I believe that people pretend to be my friend because they feel bad and then they leave because they realized they were right to feel bad.. Like when my problems become evident.. They no longer need to feel bad because I bring this upon myself. It's my fault for having issues...
If I could just disappear and never talk to anyone again... I would...
If someone told me I was beautiful... I would cry because every being in my body would be screaming that they were lying. I actually cannot physically imagine someone calling me beautiful or cute or attractive in any way..
Because I'm not..
I'm too fat, too tall, too loud, too annoying, too opinionated, too me..
I eat too much, I talk too much, I cuss too much, I cry too much, I complain too much, I'm too picky, I'm a bully, I'm not talented, I'm not athletic, I'm not funny, I'm not worth the air I breathe...
I have anxiety, I have depression, I struggle against an eating disorder, I struggle against self harm, I think about dying almost a million times a day... Why would anyone want to be friends with me?
Why would anyone care about anyone who is so messed up? Why would anyone think a tall fat girl is pretty? Why would anyone think I'm worth anything? Who would fight for me? Who would even want to talk to me?
Who's to say I'm not worthless? Who can say I'm not useless?
What kind of person cuts open their own skin? How messed up do you have to be to make yourself throw up every piece of food you've ever eaten in a day?
I'm useless. I don't do anything right. I don't do anything period. I don't even earn the money I spend.
Who would love someone like me?
How could he have ever told me he loved me? No wonder he stopped talking to me... He realized how awful I am..
I think about him almost every moment of every day. Everything reminds me of him but nothing reminds him of me.. How stupid am I to let myself fall in love at age 14....? How do I even know I loved him? How do I know he ever meant that he loved me...? No matter what... I know that he doesn't love me anymore and doesn't think about me anymore and probably barely remembers who I am... He doesn't care... He never cared.. How could he...? He was smart... He would never have loved me... He doesn't even remember me...
How do I go from writing things I would've sent to kev to talking about how much I miss Duck...? What is wrong with me...?
The only person... I know for a fact that loved me till the day he died... Was my grandpa... His last words to me face to face were "I love you".... And I felt in that moment how much he really loved me... Because he had never told me before...
My dad never tells me that he loves me. He doesn't hug me. He just pays the bills. He only talks about work or Facebook or some new show or his freaking child Houston
My mom never fails to remind me that I disappoint her. My sister reminds me that I'm fat and ugly. My brother tells me how useless I am and how much of a burden I am on my family.... My family is barely a family. Everyone hates everyone. My father hates my siblings, my siblings hate my father and his family, my fathers family hates my mother and my siblings and me.
I can't even sleep properly. Like its 3am and I get up at 6am. It's stupid. I'm stupid. I don't even know where my backpack is. I just wanna sleep now.. I wanna sleep forever....

9/16/16
I wanna cry but I can't... I can never cry anymore... I just don't have it in me... I know for a fact that I don't like Kevin that way. I don't. But seeing him with Holli... I just get sad... is it because I don't have that? Am I jealous? Do I just crave affection and attention? Probably.. but I can't help it and I don't know why... he had his hand on her thigh and I just.. idk. And then they were holding hands and joking and talking and just in their own little world.. I wanted to cry... I was okay when he was on the other side of me away from Holli because then I wasn't third wheeling... but then he moved.. I could see it all over his face that he wanted to sit by her from the beginning.. I just.. I knew what would happen and in the end... it did... it's just... I'm stupid..
Kevin tries to assure me that he hangs out with me because of me but I have a hard time believing that I'm not just being used as a chauffeur for his and Holli's dates. That's probably why he likes going to movies so often because he can sit by her and have his hands all over her and hold her hand and talk to her and giggle with her and be with her. I will forever and always be the third wheel because there is no one in the world that would want to do that with me... I'm just an awful person... I'm gross and annoying and weird... only reason anyone would like me at all is because they don't know me and I wear baggy clothes... it's stupid. People are stupid. I still can't even cry. What's wrong with me? Other than everything? I don't get it... why am I the way i am? I'm not "the bread that holds the sandwich together" I'm just the plate that gets used by the sandwich... so stupid.. why am I not cutting? Why am I not purging? Why am I not trying to die? Because I've failed at all of that before, what makes me think I could do it again and be successful? Nothing. I just.. I don't get it.. I should've just stayed hidden in Walmart.. I shouldn't have come out... I should've drank bleach in Walmart. I should've found the knives and slit my wrists. I should've just ran into traffic... it would've been better for everyone... maybe it really would be better... maybe.. my parents would divorce, making my mom happier, my "friends" wouldn't need to put up with me everyday, my family wouldn't need to be working so hard to pay off bills, everything would get better... maybe.. maybe I was right from the beginning... maybe I should've done it in 8th grade when I said I would. Maybe then no one here would've been burdened by me. Not David, Caleb, Sabrina or Xavier, Chelsea, Lexi, Holli, or Kevin... none of them would be burdened by me because they wouldn't ever have even known I existed... I'm insignificant as it is.. it should've happened that way...

10/01/16
Idek anymore.... why have I gone all the way back to where I started..? I stopped being suicidal. I stopped wanting to self harm. I stopped feeling so alone all the time. I stopped. Why is it all happening again..? I was happy at the bakery but I feel like that was the only point in the day that I felt okay... the rest of the day I wanted to cry or just be curled up in bed or even dead maybe... I don't know anymore... I feel like everyone is against me.. not even about the vegan thing.. this is my decision and I stand by it. It's something I feel very strongly about and no one can change my mind or make me feel that I'm wrong in any way. Everyone is living in ignorant bliss and I'm just letting them be as much as I can but I choose not to live that way anymore. I don't want to be that vegan that everyone hates. I'm trying not to but it's always on my mind and all around me. I don't wish to argue with anyone... I don't want to be the person people hate based on my beliefs...
Idk I'm just making it all up. It's all in my head. Maybe no one is against me and maybe I'm not alone but I still feel as though I'm surrounded by people who just tolerate me enough they don't try to avoid me... I feel sad.. I feel really sad. I want to be happy and I was trying and I have no reason to be sad but I'm crying. It's been like this for a few days now and I don't understand it. I think about my grandpa more and I cry about him a lot even thought I know I can see him again. I'm still sad. I miss him.. I miss having the fact that I know he's okay and know he's just sitting in Oklahoma watching wheel of fortune. But he's not there anymore.. he's not there...
I wanna sleep forever... I wanna just sleep and wake up in the new system. I don't want to be here anymore. I just wiped mascara all over my face.
I hate life sometimes and I feel like a drag on my friends. My friends are so nice and have so much fun and are positive and happy and I'm... I'm just a downer.. I bring everyone down. It's unfair.