My Public Diary

Suicide

They're coming back.
All those thoughts that told me to die because no one would care. They're all back and nobody has even made these thoughts fade a little bit. Maybe forgotten for a while but not gone at all.
I know people care about me. I know. But knowing and feeling are two completely different things. I don't feel like people care. So maybe I'm just convincing myself that people care to give me a reason to push these thoughts away.
Do you care? Really? Or am I just that one suicidal girl in your life? Pushed to the back of your mind and forgotten. I'm just that one girl you used to care about, aren't I...? I'm nothing.
I'm nobody.
If I committed suicide tonight, people would cry and grieve but I would be quickly forgotten. Just another body in the ground. People would disagree but I know I'd just be a distant memory.
Somehow I feel like many people would visit my grave but those are the same people that aren't doing anything right now to fix me. Everyone waits till it's too late. "I wish I had done something" they'll say. Well, why don't you? Why wait till it's too late to show the love that everyone deserves?
Why do people regret when it's too late when they know they never tried to do something when they had the chance?
Only you guys reading this really know my most inner thoughts. I'm glad some of my friends read this now. It makes me feel like I have less secrets. I feel like I'm off topic here but part of me just doesn't care. Writing out everything on my mind helps me so I am.... The most recent thought of suicide I had was after I heard my dad say it would be very easy for him to leave us. He threatens to leave a lot. I don't think he knows that I know. My mom told him that if he doesn't change how he treats the family then she wants him to leave. I hate to say that I agree with her. But I also feel like I couldn't deal with that kind of loss. I already lost my grandfather in death, am about to lose the other one and now my dad might leave. I don't think my mom understands the stress all of this is putting on me. Not to even mention the stresses of school. I was sitting here crying on my homework because it was stressing me out that I didn't understand any of it.
I don't think I'll ever end my own life. But I still think about it a lot. I think about all the sleeping pills in my mom's bedside drawer. I think about going to sleep and not waking up. I think about who would care and I think about who wouldn't care. I think about the people I love and the people I care about so much that it hurts. There's some people that I love and care for so much that it hurts me. It physically pains me to love them.... But I can't stop loving them. No matter how hard I try.... I know I'm hurting myself by continuing to love them but once you truly love someone, that love never goes away.
That's why I believe that some people who told me that they loved me didn't truly love me because if they ever did they still would. I still think about certain people when I hear a song or a word or a topic. I'll think about that person immediately. It scares me. Because so many emotions just come over me and cause me to smile or cry or want to die. Emotions scare me. They scare me because they cause actions and I'm scared that one day I'll be so hurt that I won't want to continue breathing. I won't want to continue to feel emotions. I'm scared.
Some people don't understand how powerful thoughts and emotions are. People that commit suicide don't just do it. They think about it. They have thoughts and emotions before the action. Thoughts and emotions control everything a person does.
Having depression isn't just being sad. It's being sad and empty and lonely and overwhelmed and stressed and numb. It's being so full of emotions yet so numb. I feel like I can't control anything. I can't control my thoughts or feelings. I feel like my life is out of control and I used to always have someone to go to when I felt this way but I don't know anymore. I feel alone. Like no one is there to stop me from swallowing the pills or taking a blade to my arms. I can proudly say that I am 106 days clean from self harm but I can also say that I have thought of relapsing back to self harming. It was a coping mechanism and an escape from my pent up thoughts and feelings. I was depressed and suicidal and I took it out on myself and I want to do it again because I can honestly say it was the only thing helping me at the time.
Self harm isn't a joke and it's not to be taken lightly. I used to think it was a cry for attention and thought self harmers were just asking for someone to pay attention to them. I thought it was stupid. Then I took a blade to my skin for the first time. I then understood why. It was a release. It helped me to cope. Ignore the mental pain and focus on the physical pain. It was a distraction....
To my friend's reading this: don't freak out on me. It doesn't help. Yes I'm suicidal. No I won't do it. I have no reason to. This is a relapse. I've gotten out once, I can do it again. Just help? I dunno, talk to me more? Don't make me feel like the only one putting any effort into our friendship. Make me feel like you really want me to talk to you. Not like I'm bothering you. Because I always feel like I'm bothering y'all. Make me feel worth the air I breath. Please?
I need you.