Lace of Lavender

Chapter 33: Love

The definition of love: " An indescribable passionate affection for a person or thing. A feeling that grows from the depth of your thoughts to the smile on your face. A combination of pain and pleasure but in the end something, if true love, you always keep fighting for."

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My full lips around Carlos' member. Carlos disgusting face on an image. An image on a phone I didn't recognize. A phone in James' hand.

James. My dear James.

I felt how my body started to shake. Burning tears unwillingly filled my eyes as I stared before me. Unable to create a sentence, to even say a word. I just stared at the proof of my past which I had tried to hide. But here it was, slapping me in the face.

"Why, Twyla?"

I couldn't meet his eyes. Not just because I couldn't let go of the phone but because I knew what I would see if I did. I could hear his emotion thru his voice as it cracked. A tear fell down my cheek, just as helpless as I was.

It was so quiet in the apartment. Nothing but the sound of his silent breathing, my uncontrolled breathing and my heart crumbling. This really was it, the moment was I wouldn't make it if he shut me out. This wasn't something I could move on from. I loved him so much, but he hadn't even given me a chance to say it.

I saw how the only light in the room disappeared when James took the phone and threw it so hard at the wall that it shattered. But I still kept looking where it just have been as I felt how my knees gave out under me. James was breathing harder now as he paced back and forth for a few seconds before he sat down on the bed.

I moved my eyes a little to look at him, hoping that the shame I felt was hidden well by the darkness, even tho I felt like some Christmas decoration with flashing colors.

James was sitting with his head hidden in his hands. His elbows resting on his knees. In a weak voice, I heard how he almost begged me for an answer.

"Why, Twyla. Please answer me."

I knew my voice would break because of the big lump in my throat, but I did my best to look into his beautiful eyes, one last time, and tell him.

"Jam... Jamie I... didn't have a choice. I was dying. I had to..."

James rose to his feet standing before me in so quick motions I couldn't help but jerk my body backward, but he didn't seem to notice as I swear I could see steam coming out from him.

"You think that's what I want to know! You really think that is what breaks my heart here Twyla? That you had an intimate situation?"

I couldn't look at him as he almost screamed before me. I had never seen this part of James before, to be honest, it scared me since I didn't know how to handle it.

After a few seconds of silence, I heard how his knees gave out under him as well. He sat down in a losing position. I was still facing the floor, my tears coming uncontrolled. I suddenly felt a warm hand under my chin, slowly but strongly lifting my face so that I could meet his eyes which were a few inches from mine.

"I don't wanna know why you did 'it', Twyla. I want to know after all I told you about me, why you didn't tell me about this part of you?"

The words were clear, true. I knew the exact reason I hadn't told him. But it still came out as a whisper.

"Because I did disgusting things, James. Because Calvano knows about what I did. Because I thought it was something I could escape. Because I love you so much, Jamie. Because my past is catching up with me and what I have survived... Might kill us both."