Lace of Lavender

Chapter 7: Humiliation

The definition of humiliation: "To cause a person a painful loss of pride, self-respect, or dignity. A trembling feeling that can't be prevented but will wake thoughts, fears and feelings we might not know we had."

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I had been humiliated before. You should only know how much people love to make fun of the people who lives on the streets. The ones that got no money, no power and nothing to defend themselves with.

I mean this one time I was at the back of a mall. Dumpster diving trying not to starve myself to death. This rich girl walks by with her t*ts on show and her designer bag filled with a fat chihuahua. She stops when she sees me and takes out her phone. I dare to promise you it as brand knew. She takes a picture of me before I have time to react.

I mean that wasn't the embarrassing part. The embarrassing part was when I ran from mall cops. Looking like dirt and with garbage all over me while they chased me thru three blocks, full of people to witness it. I mean those mall cops might look more forgiving than normal cops... But h*ll no. I guess her father owned the mall or something.

How come that when we are really put on the spot in an unbelievable position our minds just leaves our body? Drifting off to somewhere else. We just stand there taking it all in. When it later on is too late our minds come back from vacation and... well how do I explain this.

I was for a short second standing behind a curtain. Not able to breath. Then suddenly my mind drifts off. I hear how someone pronounce my name with a Ms. I feel totally frozen. In my head I'm in a big room. Screaming for someone to do something. But no one is listening. I scream "run". I scream "fight". I scream "hide".

But the only one hiding is my actions. My mind was not one with my body and soul. But with a quick breath and the curtains being torn apart my mind comes back and like if someone had prevented me from breathing my senses comes back.

The first thing I saw was spotlights. Not those big you see in concerts. But lights that were only focusing on me. At first, I didn't know what to do. I only saw darkness behind the dazzling light. I could hear breathing from around the room, I could feel the presence of people but their faces were hidden in the darkness and I could feel a heavy smell of a mix of cologne and smoke from cigarettes.

I remembered what I had been told and as I heard steps coming my way I moved forward. I felt how my lip was trembling and how my eyes started to burn. I kept going a few feet. But suddenly after a few shaky steps, I was at the end of this so called stage.

My hands grabbed the end of my robe. I was not in any way trying to look seductive. My hands reached the belt that held my robe together. The room fell into total silence. I pulled at the belt and let the robe fall together with my hope for humanity to the ground. Now the mumble exploded. People rose from their chairs or whatever they were sitting on and I just remembered how badly I wanted to go back to that dumpster.

"Nice skin, can we touch it?"

"Turn around and let us see that a*s of yours."

"Spread those legs"

"Don't just stand there. Do something."

"I'm gonna grab that hair so hard when we met from behind."

These comments came from different people. These people were mostly men. But I also heard a woman. They had different accents and various meanings. But they all hit my soul like daggers. I felt like my soul were a balloon. Trying to be free, but held down and poked with needles.

But I just kept standing there. I guess people weren't allowed to touch since no one did. I don't know for how long this lasted, but in any way from the first second it was too long.