Lace of Lavender

Chapter 22: Guilt

The definition of guilt: "A feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined."

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Things did not go as planned. My first instinct after James had told me such a big and painful part of his life had been to... tell him. Tell him what had been forced to do to be able to survive for more than a handful of months. But no words had come.

I had just laid my head on his shoulder after I kissed him just enjoying the feeling of the firmness of his arms around me. It felt odd since I had never remembered being this close to anyone ever... But I didn't want the feeling of James to go away.

But how do you tell someone who thinks that calling someone a wh*re is one of the worst things you can do when that is... I guess what you can call me. Someone who did sexual favors for money. I mean I had let men touch my body, use my hands and mouth and even let some take pictures of my body parts. Never my face tho.

But how could you ever break that down to someone you didn't want to lose? I mean if I were ever to stay with James, I didn't want a relationship between us was we weren't totally honest with each other.

So when he gets out of the bed and told me to get ready since we were going out I didn't stop him. It must have been hard to tell for an outside person how much I was suffering and hurting inside by my history. But believe when I say I am.

I entered the shower but I didn't take long. For some reason, the water felt dirty. It felt like it was dirt that would wash away the feeling and smell of James. But at the same time, I thought that I better get clean so that James would want to be close to me again.

I put a little effort into my appearance with a smudge of makeup before putting on skinny jeans, a dark tank top, and an oversize cardigan. My clothes were really worn out which really came more to a comparison when I met James outside the elevator.

He was also wearing dark jeans with a thick knitted sweater with a turtleneck and a matching coat. His shoes looked like they shined next to my old boots. My confidence was almost hurt when I saw how stylish he looked but it was shortly rebuilt when he smiled when he saw me and took my hand in his as we entered the elevator.

"I thought it was about time that I gave you that pizza I owe you."

He looked down at me in the elevator with kind eyes and I couldn't help but smile stupidly at the thought that he actually still remembered it.

"But maybe... If you want we could do some shopping?"

I had heard how carefully he had laid out his words, with the intention clear not to hurt me or my feelings.

"I don't have any money... on me."

Both parts were true about what I said and I looked away from his gaze. It hadn't mattered if we went up because I didn't think you really could buy many clothes with five dollars.

"Great."

I looked up at him with an eyebrow raised at both what he said and at the amusing way, he had said it. How could being poor being something great?

"What?"

He looked down at me with a smirk and I really started to wonder where the nice guy went.

"What do you mean 'what'"?

I had slightly raised my voice a little feeling tired of him acting weird. Should I press some button on the elevator to make us go up again or what?

"Well, you see if I pay for your clothes I guess you will just have to pay me back."

A frown plastered my face at the thought of James acting this stupid.