Please Stay (Kazer)

Quit

After Jonny's body was lowered, the masses started to thin. Most of them was heading toward the Toews property, but some had games to make. My sisters waited well after everyone else left for me. I wasn't ready to leave him quite yet, but I knew that I had to leave sometime soon.

When we made it back, we had to park well down the street. Like how we walked before, we did the same way now on our trek to the house.

I don't know where I found the strength to enter the house, but I did. Multiple people patted me on the back and said they are sorry, but it was never more than that. It was like they knew that I wanted to be left alone.

I found an empty chair in the living room, and I plopped myself down in the seat. From there, I watched the wall in front of me. On the wall were pictures of Jonny when he was a baby and older pictures of him playing hockey. I couldn't help but to smile at them.

Jonny always told me that he wanted children of his own. I agreed with him, of course, but now I wish that we just did it. That way I would still at least have a part of him. But another part am glad that we didn't. I can't function now without him; would I been able to suck it up for our kid?

In his eyes, you could tell how serious he was even at a young age. I remember admiring how serious and driven he was when it came to hockey. He wouldn't quit working at every aspect of the game. He always made fun of me since I would only focus on being an offensive forward. I would always laugh it off, but I knew what he meant, but I didn't do much with the other side of the puck.

Without Jonny, I don't know if I'll ever be able to even step a foot in Chicago anymore, yet alone be on ice playing hockey. I don't think that I'm strong enough to do that without him. Maybe I should just go and find Q and tell him that I'm quitting, but I could just hear what Jonny and Q would say about it. "Quitting is the easy way out and the coward way."

I don't know how long I was there smiling at the picture, but by the time that I snapped to real life, all of the guests were gone. The reason that I was brought to reality was my dad, clapping me softly on the back. "Hey Buzz," he said using my old nickname. "We are going out to eat."

I shrugged. "I'm tired, can you just drop me off at the hotel?"

He shook his head. "I don't think so. The restaurant is the other way." Even though that may in well be a reason, I know the true one. I haven't ate anything in four days. They are trying to get me to eat, but I'm not hungry. It's not my fault. Just thinking of food makes me want to get sick.

I only nodded and followed the other eight people. I got in the car with my sisters like before. Being with them makes me feel so much better, but I can't be with them for the rest of my life. They have to go back to their lives and I'll be somewhere.

The drive wasn't very long, and my sisters the whole way blasted the music and sang at the top of their lungs. I couldn't help but to laugh, but I didn't join in. At any other moment in my life, I wouldn't have hesitated about joining in. This type of this was something that the four of us had enjoyed doing since I could remember. We are a crazy bunch.

All nine of us was seated right away. I was squished between Jackie and my mom. I think that this whole thing was staged for one purpose.

Anyway, the night went on. Our drinks, yes I did get something alcoholic, and food were ordered. Despite the sad reason that we all was brought together, the conversation flowed pretty well. Looking around, I saw my sisters, and parents, and David, and Mr. and Mrs. Toews all sitting around the table. This seems so wrong, and to me it was without Jonny being here.

"So Patrick," Mrs. Toews started. "What are you planning on doing now?"

I quickly took a drink of my beer before I answered. "I don't know. I need to take a break to get my head straight." That was all that I said, but looking around, everyone knew what those words really meant. I was going to quit hockey.

My mom's expression looked like I expected it did when I tried to quit hockey after they dropped me off in Detroit, disappointed. But she knew and understand the reason behind it. She always had that sixth sense with her children. She's a very smart women.