Please Stay (Kazer)

Hey

Before I opened the door, I took a deep breath. I was beyond scared of what I’d find in the room. Despite me being extremely scared, I opened the door.

I could see Jonny where I stood in the doorway. Somehow, he seemed even worse than I saw him earlier. Without taking my eyes off of him, I slowly made my way towards the bed and sat in the chair that I sat in earlier.

"Do you remember in eleven when our car broke down in the middle of that vacated highway?" I softly said, not caring that there was others in the room. I needed something to seem like normal. "For some reason we wanted to take our off day to go somewhere up in Canada. You wanted to show me something, but it was a solid three hours away, and I was less than pleased to get forced to travel that. I grumbled so much that you finally turned on the hockey radio network either to shut me up or to tune me out. Both ways, it worked."

"I believe that we was a hour in, and your reckless driving got us in a car wreck. It definitely wasn't the first time that this happened, and there was couple of times after. I should never have trusted you driving, but I'm sure you'd say the same thing about me. I know that you would actually." I lightly laughed at that.

"This time you ran into a tree and luckily neither of us was hurt, but the car was another tolled car that belonged to you. How did you even get you license? I bet you bribed them because I don't think anyone in their right mind would give you a license You are a disaster waiting to happen behind the wheel. I remember climbing out of the car unleashing venom, like normal. You laughed it off and just gave it back to me. We must have done that for an hour, give or take, before we finally used our minds to call somebody for help. We never did make it to the place you wanted to bring me, and we never tried to go back there. You still talk about bringing me out there, but then I remind you about that tree. That's when both of us usually breaks down laughing and go talk about something else."

Laying my head back, I took a deep breath pushing myself to continue. "Together, we had plenty of good moments, but there was also some difficult times that we had to weed through. One of those times was when the lockout came. When we found out about it, both of our hearts broke. We knew that it could be a long time before the dispute gets settled, and that's why you basically sent me away to play hockey. That's crazy that it was me that had to go away. We fought like crazy during that time. I wanted you to go, but you said that you couldn't. I didn't understand, but I get it now. We promised each other that we wouldn't make our relationship public until after our hockey career. If you went with me, questions might have been raised on why we constantly do things together, but that didn't stop some people to figure some of it out."

"I always wished that we could have a normal relationship, and maybe after all of this, we will finally be able to have one. That's what both of us always wanted, to have a normal life. Sure, being hockey superstars didn't help that idea, and my drinking sure didn't help that either. I don't know how you was able to deal with that. You always stood by me trying to help me while I tore myself down."

I took his hand so it could give me some strength. He always gave me strength no matter what. I couldn't even imagine my life without him in it. He kept me anchored to the ground when I felt like I was floating or was my way back when I ever got lost. He did that no matter what was going on or how much I couldn't stop myself from drinking away my pain. 

"Hey, Jonny," I said closing my eyes. "If you can hear me right now, thank you. Thank you for being there for me every day, for supporting me through everything, for loving me when I wasted, and mostly for standing by my side when I pushed you away. I-I love you so much."