Summer '17

Written 11/10/2016

It's 1:30 in the morning and all I'm thinking about is you. Everything about you. The way your hands feel when they're holding mine. Your smile. Your laugh. The way you can never stop touching your hair. I'm thinking about our past and trying to figure out when I fell in love with you. I'm not sure. All I know is that when I look at you I don't care about anything else, I'm happy. Completely. I haven't been happy in a long time. The first time we met, I thought you were straight. And you were still identifying as a girl, so basically I thought I was screwed. All I wanted while we had our head pressed against the door was to kiss you. I thought "This'll never happen, random people you like don't just happen to like you back." That night I got home and stalked Instagram, because I wanted to at least be your friend. I couldn't get you out of my head. I started literally crying (in a good way) when I saw your coming out post. I started talking to you. You were just as amazing as my first impression thought you were. I was awkward, I'd only ever been in one relationship, but you didn't seem to mind. We wanted to walk around the lake, and you went through all the bullshit with my mom with calling my house and stuff. I was so thankful. It was great, even when I almost died falling down the ravine. I was so happy. And then we held hands. I knew my mom would see but honestly I wanted to so badly I didn't give a shit. I know I looked like shit but you looked at me like I was perfect.
You put up with me singing in the car even. We got home and you sent me this long paragraph about us. I cried. You were perfect. But it didn't feel right. You were still identifying as a girl (I am in no way blaming you and never will), and I think I was just too straight for a lesbian relationship. I'm not sure which came first, the kiss or the breakup, but both came very soon. I feel like such shit for breaking up with you. You liked (loved?) me so much and I just threw it away. I knew how bad I hurt you and hated it. I was still getting over Him and I was just too straight at the time. The kiss was the best thing I've experienced. I was so awkward, but you still looked at me like I was perfect. We were in the bathroom and I just said "kiss me" and you did. That was my first kiss. I'm 100% glad it was with you. You messaged me about how much you liked me when school was out. Flash forward to the Panic! concert. I'm not sure how much you enjoyed them, but it made it so much better for me because you were there. It was fun. You rubbing my upper thigh was also fun. When I dropped you off I went in with you, because I sort of wanted you to kiss me again. On my way out, you grabbed me and spun me around and kissed me. I still get butterflies just think about that. I'm smiling like an idiot right now just typing about it. I'm also crying. That was easily one of the top 5 best nights of my life. Everything about that kiss was perfect too. We didn't really talk very much for a while, and I didn't have any contact with you until the end of the summer, when I saw you at the fair. Maybe that's when I fell in love with you. Someone told me you changed your name, cause you'd already told me you were transgender. I couldn't keep my eyes off of you. You looked so perfect. You acted so perfect. We started talking again when we got back in school. I was so happy. I was still getting over Him though. And I hate that. For a while we hung out and talked a lot. You came over while my mom was at work after school sometime, and it was fun just sitting on you, and having you near me. And then you started pulling away.
We sorta made out on your bed, and then you texted me and said a bunch of stuff along the lines of "I just got over you, I can't go through this again," and I get that, but man. It hurt. It still does. I'm not just fucking with you. I love you. Everything about you is perfect I can't take it. It's breaking my fucking heart to hear you talk about other people you like, but I know I deserve it. (Oh, random but somewhere in there someone kissed me & you punched him and I loved that so much.) I don't want to loose you. I love you. You're the reason I can't sleep, but I don't mind, you make me happy. It's almost 2 in the morning and I'm happy just remembering little things about you. I don't know if or when I'm going to show this to you, but if you see it, please take me back. I'm yours. 100% and for good this time. No more fucking around. I love you. Whatever happens, I want you to be happy.

Edit: I don't know if I ever sent this. I don't know if you'll see this. I'm aware of the fact you're in a relationship and that you're happy. I mean what I said, I just want you to be happy. You deserve it.