All Rubber Duckies Go To Heaven

Chapter Sixteen

["Girls Do What They Want" by The Maine] ["Any Other Heart" by Go Radio] (If you adore Mayday Parade you have to know Go Radio)]

Our apartment is on the third floor of our building, third door on the left. The building itself isn’t extraordinary but it isn’t that bad. I guess it’s sort of moderate.

When I got home I made sure to slip off my shoes before walking onto the carpet. My dad was very OCD about cleanliness. I turned down the hall to the first door on the right, my room. My dad kept every door in our modest abode shut. He was also pretty OCD about privacy.

I dumped my stuff in a little black arm chair and started changing into something more comfortable. I stuck my iPod in its iHome dock (which had taken forever to save up for) and let it play what it wished.

“...Girls do what they want

Boys do what they can...”

Oh the irony. [A/N: Cause she's wearing Aerin's shirt with the lyrics.]

I pulled off my shirt and chuckled but I couldn’t help looking at the bruises littering my torso. I poked one midway down my ribs and winced.

Jayden said he was sorry. Was he really? Did he deserve another chance?

I shook the thought from my head and felt sick for considering it.

I sat on the bed and pulled off my jeans. Not my jeans, Aerin’s. As I folded the clothes I was more curious about where they came from.

I pulled gray Capri sweats and a white muscle shirt out of my drawer and put those on before collapsing onto the bed. I rolled over onto my back and stared at the ceiling.

He knew I was lying. I could see it in his eyes when I told him I didn’t remember what my dream was about. Aerin wasn’t an idiot.

In the dream I had been sleeping in my room. Someone got onto the bed and the shift of weight woke me up. I rolled over.

“Wha--?”

Someone put a finger over my lips and shushed me.

I was still dazed as they ran their hands down my arms. Realization stuck me when the person straddled my waist and started for the hem of my shirt. The moonlight hit their face, illuminating them for me to recognize.

It’s no secret it was Jayden.

I guess that’s when I started screaming.

I tried to push him away but he caught my wrists before I could strike him and put my hands over my head, all the while grinning and leaning in closer. His lips brushed mine lightly, almost as if he were playing a game. When he tried again I tried to bite him but he pulled away, smirking.

“Now, Jan. Let’s play nice.”

He held my wrists with one hand and started working again with the other.

That’s when I woke up.

I shuddered at the memory. Was my life seriously so screwed up that even my dreams were drowned in melancholy? Did Jayden seriously have that strong of a hold on me?

I jumped when my phone went off.

“...If I had any other heart if any other piece spoke louder

If I had any other hands I wouldn’t need the voice to tell

The world about the coward that refuses to stand and claim the blood on your hands

If I had any other heart beside my own we might have left you cold…”

I rolled over, nervously laughing at how jumpy I was, and answered. “Hello?”

“Hey. Is this Jan?” The voice was soft and familiar. He was breathing heavily.

“Aerin? How’d you get my number?”

There was a soft thud and more forced breathing before he answered. “You gave it to me last night at church.”

“Oh.” I rolled back onto my back. “Right. So what’s up?”

“I…uh… I’m not sure where I am. I ran into someone after school today and things got rough so I ran and now I’m lost.” As he concluded with a sharp breath I heard yelling in the background.

The rough sound of things made me sit up. “Are there any landmarks you can give me?”

By the time he answered I was already changing back and he was on speaker. “Uh… there’s a bar here call Skid’s and a pawn shop. Up the street there’s a gas station. A lot of these buildings are abandoned.”

I let out a relieved breath. “I know where you are. It’s, like, a ten minute walk from my place.” I tugged on an old pair of skinnies with the knees worn to hole and put a black hoodie on over my tank top. “Do you want me to come?”

“Uh, could you? I seriously have no idea where I am and I can’t find an address to give my mom and I really don’t want to talk to anyone…” His voice was weary and something slammed behind him.

“It’s no problem. Give me ten minutes.”

He gave me a disheartened ‘ok’ and the call ended. After I slid my phone and iPod into the pouch pocket of the pullover I opened the door, not quite paying attention, and stepped out.

Unfortunately, my pathway was blocked by the sturdy body of my father.

I stumbled back and leaned against my closed door. My eyes refused to meet the cold grey of his irises as I apologized.

“It’s fine Cookie. Where are you heading?” His voice was easy and clean of alcoholic stink and slur. This brought a smile to my face and relieved me of some worry.

He was pretty easygoing when he was sober. I guess it’s the fact that his drunken state is so intense that I fear him more than I love him.

Yeah, it all started when my mom died. He’d showed up to the funeral drunk. My Aunt Kathi offered to look after me for a few weeks while she suggested he pulled himself together. But after those three months I stayed with her he just got worse. I haven’t seen my family much since then.

My dad never drinks during the day. Actually, he will, as long as it isn’t near his hours. He writes articles for the commitments section of the newspaper.

And it isn’t so much physical abuse as it is mental. He’s cussed me out (challenging my self-confidence). I’ve been both locked in and out of my own room and out of the house. He’s taken my iPod from me and broken it numerous times, along with my cell phone (both of which I have to replace myself). I keep my laptop, CDs, and other valuables hidden.

But yeah, he’s hit me. Just not hard enough to mark me or still hurt the next day.

My eyes met his with a glimmer of uncertainty. “Down to Cal’s. He said he’d let me borrow some CDs. That okay?”

My father sighed and crossed his arms. “Fine. But don’t stay out too late. And if you do, call me. Okay? I didn’t appreciate you staying over last time.”

I gave him a quick hug and thanked him before darting down the short hall and out the door.

As I shook the ill feeling from my body and plugged my earphones into my ears I tried to not think about how unnatural that hug had felt.