My Fault

The Climb

I stared at my reflection in the full body mirror in my room. Black high heeled boots with black fishnets, white shorts, and a black tank top with a white crop top over it. My hair was done up nicely with my side sweep bangs hanging down a little over my face. Black eyeliner resided on my water lines, along with black mascara that made my eyes pop out. I looked ready, but sure as hell didn’t feel that way.

            The weeks of summer school flew by. The first day was a nightmare at first, but I eventually warmed up to everyone. The class became a little family, seeing as how they’re were only about ten students and we had to spend four hours together every day. Ever since the first day of class, I have changed. I didn’t see those kids as judging me; instead I saw the sympathy they had. Instead of ridiculing me, they wanted to just be friends. I had been stuck in my own little world, fearing everyone and hating myself.

            I couldn’t believe I had actually blamed God in the beginning. Blamed Him for killing my parents. And then I blamed myself. Couldn’t help but feel complete resentment towards myself and felt it was God’s punishment. I felt like my parents hated me too, along with my brother and sister. I felt they hated me for taking their lives away. I wanted to kill myself so many times. I had wanted to end the pain I was feeling and go straight to Hell. I had felt I deserved it.

            And Johnny. I hated myself for the amount of times I caused him pain and worry. Girlfriends weren’t supposed to do that to boyfriends. Kevin always stuck with me through thick and thin. He understood the pain I was going through. Sure, he had been worried about me a few times, but always stayed by my side. Kyra on the other hand was a little difficult. We started on such a rough patch, warmed up, got into fights, and warmed up to each other again. It was a weird friendship we had, but I felt like we were finally okay. Chelsea was always there for me no matter what I did. She was my best friend and always will be. She had helped me with school work during the three weeks of summer school and even got along great with my other friends. I loved that about her, always kind and accepting.

            All the memories made me smile as I walked over to my bed and sat down. The pictures of my family laid across the comforter, staring up at me. Small tears started to form, and I had to quickly push them back so my makeup wouldn’t run. I missed them all incredibly. I missed my mom’s cooking and her soothing voice. I missed my dad’s way of showing how proud of me he was. I missed Jenny’s smile and Georgie’s sense of adventure. My mind wandered back to the end of the speech I had given at their funeral:

            "But as life goes on, we can't mourn their death. We have to celebrate the life they lived and everyone they impacted. My family was wonderful people, and I will forever hold them in my heart."

            I had spent a lot of time mourning their death and not enough time celebrating the life they lived. I was a hypocrite, but couldn’t help it. I was lost and confused, hurt and scared. I wanted them back more than anything. I had done some crazy things in my life. Stupid things. My family would be extremely disappointed in me if they knew what I had done. They had raised me better than that. I was better than that.

            I heard the doorknob twist and the creak of my bedroom door. When I turned to face it, I smiled at Johnny. He walked over to my bed and sat down next to me. His eyes scanned the pictures sprawled across my bed, then he returned his gaze back to me. “How are you doing?” He asked in a soothing voice.

            I gave him a half smile and leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m doing alright. Just a little nervous I guess.” I told him.

            He ran his hand through my hair and gently lifted my chin so I was facing him. “You’ll do fine, sweetie.” He told me and kissed my lips.