My Fault

Rummaging through the ashes

                It was the day after the funeral, the day after I tried to kill myself. I was slightly clear minded now, so I could see how I was being really irrational when I almost jumped off the bridge. I just wondered how the man who saved me got to me in time. Was he a runner just minding his own business when he came along me? Who knew. There were a lot of questions playing out in my mind as I laid on the bed in the guest room Tammy prepared for me. It was nice to have some space so I could think about everything without being bothered. Today was the day that I was going to be put in a teen home. They couldn’t find any foster cares close by, so they settled for Rosewood’s Home for Teens. It was a place for teenagers that lost their parents and whose parents abandoned them. I was so scared to go there. I didn’t know what kind of people would be there, and I didn’t know how they would treat me. Tammy tried to fight for me, but she needed a license to adopt me, and that would take too long.

                I felt the cool breeze float through the window, so I pushed the covers off of me and walked over to it. Before shutting it I peered outside and my house, a few ashes still flying around. There was practically nothing left. Before I was escorted to the house today, I was to go through my house and see if there was anything left that I wanted to keep. I hadn’t been in there since before I left the mall. It made me nervous just thinking about it.

                A sigh escaped my lips as I shut the window, then walked over to the dresser. Pulling open one drawer, I rummaged through my shirts and picked one that said ‘This Conversation Is Over’. It was an Alesana song. Shutting my shirt drawer, I then searched through my pants and picked out dark skinny jeans. After slipping my new clothes on and putting the old ones in the hamper, I slowly walked to the bathroom that was attached to the room and studied my reflection.

                There were slight bags under my eyes from lack of sleep, but they were barely noticeable. My long dark brown hair was a tangled mess. My bright green eyes peered back at me, with sadness filling them. I then peered down at my body. I was now a size 1. My weight dramatically went down after what happened because I stopped eating. I just couldn’t do it. I felt guilty and looking at the food made me incredibly sick.

                I brushed my hair until all of the tangles were out, then brushed my teeth. When that was finished, I walked out of the bathroom and down the stairs where Chelsea and Tammy were. They had called me down earlier for breakfast, but I had kindly declined, saying my stomach wasn’t giving me any freedom from the feeling I got looking at food. When I made my way onto the last step, I turned my head towards the living and saw them there. I then walked over to where they were and sat down on one of the couches. When they noticed me, they said good morning and offered fake smiles. I knew they were fake, because how could anyone smile at a time like this? It was impossible.

                “Are you ready, Lylah?” Tammy asked, and I nodded my head slightly.

                We all got up and made our way out the door. My house seemed miles away, even though it was just across the street. I felt like my knees were going to buckle. I had to choke down tears as I stepped through the front door. Everything was ruined; the pictures on the walls, the carpeting, the decorations. Everything. I slowly then walked into my room and looked at where I was sitting when I was doing my project. It was almost a flashback. I could see myself doing the project, putting the papers all around me. It was the way I worked best. Just scattering out everything I needed onto the ground and looking at it while I sat. I could see myself being called to the door because of Chelsea. I slammed my door; my cigarette fell from the ash tray, landing on one of my papers. The fire probably started slowly, considering it was a cigarette and not a lighter or anything. It probably spread all around the papers I had on the floor. I then looked over to my window. No curtains. It probably lit them up, then spread along the posters on my wall.