My Fault

The news

I tapped my heel lightly on the cold grass while waiting for my turn to speak. My family was pronounced dead at the scene. I was kicking and screaming my way to the ambulance when I saw them being taken away, but I was still held back. I remember Chelsea's mom taking me to make sure it was actually them, and I had burst into tears immediately. The detective told me they were going to do a full investigation and figure out how the fire started. I had so many questions to ask but I couldn't speak. I couldn't stop crying either. It's like there were no end to the tears and pain that I felt in my stomach. My whole family was dead, and I was left to mourn for them. Why couldn't it have been me? Why all four of them. My parents didn't deserve to die. They had respected jobs and people looked up to them. My brother and sister were so young, they hadn't lived their life yet. And then there was me, a teenager who was almost finished with school who had no job. It should have been me.

I was then motioned to come up to the podium. My black pants barely above the ground and my dark blue shirt swaying in the wind. When I turned to face the crowd I had to choke down my tears. It was a closed casket funeral because the burns were so bad. I was so nervous, but I had to do this. I wanted to just run away crying, but Chelsea gave me a look that said she believed in me. I sighed, then started.

"I could remember it like it was yesterday when my parents brought home the twins. I was in school when they were born, so I wasn't able to go to the hospital. Tammy looked over me the time my parents were away. When they got home, I immediately fell in love with Georgie and Jenny. I wanted to be such a big part of their life. I was their older sister, and I was the one to protect them.

As they grew older, sure they were a little annoying, but everyone feels that way sometime in their life about their siblings, but I still loved them incredibly. I remember Jenny once telling me she wanted to be just like me when she was older, and it brought the biggest smile to my face. And Georgie, well, he was a stunner. Almost every girl wanted to play with him because he was just so cute. They completed my already perfect family." I paused for a moment and felt the tears pouring down my face.

"My mom, well, she was amazing. We were so close and I was able to go to her for anything. Everyone I knew loved her. She was always complimenting people, wanting so much to make them smile. I loved that most about her. No matter how she was, she made sure everyone was happy. And my dad. He would always tell me how proud he was of me with my school work. He loved that I went so hard into it and never missed an assignment. And when I had my first broken heart over a small crush a few years ago, he was there right by my side the whole way telling me how any guy would be lucky to have me. That I was a beautiful, loving girl and to not ever forget that." I wiped the tears from my face and ran my fingers through my hair.

"But as life goes on, we can't mourn their death. We have to celebrate the life they lived and everyone they impacted. My family was wonderful people, and I will forever hold them in my heart."

I burst into tears as I walked away from the podium and to my seat. Every other speech after that was a blur. Chelsea was hugging me the whole time, trying to make me calm down but I couldn't. I wanted to jump with them when they were lowered into the ground, but Chelsea held me back. I ended up falling to my knees and clutching my hair, asking God why! How could He have done this? How could He have taken my whole family away from me? He turned his back on me.

There were only a few people left as I was still on the ground. Time passed and people said their goodbyes, laying flowers and personal belongings by the graves. I wanted to go back in time and save them. I wanted to be there with them, hold them, say I loved them and never let go. I felt like I had no one, now. My mind was so clouded and I was so confused and hurt. I felt sick to my stomach.

After a while I eventually got up. It was already getting dark and Chelsea and Tammy were waiting for me. I was staying at their house until the Child Services found me a home. Because of the laws I wasn't able to stay with Tammy. They would have had to go through years or adoption processing, and I didn't want to bother them with that considering I would be 18 soon anyway. When we got to the car I stared out the window at the grave site until I couldn't see it anymore. We were heading to the police station because the detective said they might have figured out what the cause of the fire was. It wasn't a long drive and I was yearning for answers.