Just This Once (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 50

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 50

"Mama, why are you crying?" Jere asked. Napahawak ako sa mukha ko. My face was apparently tear-stained.

Lips parted, I thought of a good lie. Jere's still just a a kid, but he's a freaking smart one like his dad. I just wished that he'd forever remain a kid, so he wouldn't have to witness how horrible his family actually was.

"I'm just sad," I replied.

"Because Papa's always studying?" he innocently asked. I just nodded. He came near me and hugged me tightly with his short arms. "Papa said that he'll have lots of time once he passes the exam."

"He told you that?"

He nodded. "He asked me if I wanted to migrate, too. What is migrate, Mama? I haven't learned that word yet."

I pulled Jere and made him sit on my lap. Sinabi ko sa kanya iyong ibig sabihin ng salitang migrate. Hindi pa kasi pinapayagan si Jere na gumamit ng kahit na anong gadgets. He's not even allowed to watch TV. He's all focused on studying.

"Really, Mama? We're going to live somewhere else?" he asked.

"Do you want that?"

He shrugged. "I'll miss my Uncles... but I'll go wherever you want to go, Mama," he said and then hugged me. I sighed. God, I loved this kid. He's a lot like Maven... but I just really didn't feel the same for his father.

Nang sinundo na si Jere para sa piano lesson niya, naiwan na naman akong mag-isa sa bahay. I decided to cook to shift my focus somewhere else. Palagi pa ring bumabalik sa isip ko iyong mga salitang sinabi ni Parker.

You made a choice and it wasn't me.

Maybe I was wrong. But I'd do it again. And again.

I had a choice... and I fucking chose him. Because if I didn't choose him, I'd have had selfishly ran away with him and watch him lose everything.

Papanoorin ko na mawala iyong pinaghirapan ng magulang niya. Papanoorin ko na mawala iyong nag-iisang pamilya niya.

I would have had to watch it all... and know that it all happened because of me.

If I didn't choose him, he'd still end up resenting me. Maybe this was the ending, after all. Because damn me if I do, damn me if I don't. There's just no escaping this.

When I finished cooking, I prepared food.

"Hey," I said, knocking on Maven's study. "I cooked. Gusto mong kumain?" Maven closed his book and then went outside. Bawal kasing kumain sa loob nun kasi maraming libro.

We went to the garden with Maven carrying the tray of food.

"Were you serious when you asked me to migrate?"

Napatingin siya sa akin. "Why?"

"Were you serious?"

"I told you, everything's up to you," he replied. "Do you want to migrate?"

I bit my lower lip as I stared at him. "It doesn't sound so bad... I mean, wala naman akong pamilya na maiiwan dito. It'll be a nice change of scenery..."

"You didn't answer the question," he said, staring at me like he always did. His eyes were just always curious, like he wanted to reach the deepest parts of your soul. Like you could never hide anything from him... you could try, but you'd find yourself failing.

"I'm tired," I told him.

"You've been tired all these years. What changed?"

I faced him. "I talked to Parker. Finally," I said and tried to smile, but Maven shook his head, as if telling me not to smile because I was fooling no one. "I just... pictured it differently, alam mo 'yun? I expected him to shout at me, to curse me... pero alam mo kung ano 'yung sinabi niya sa akin? That I need to grow up."