Just This Once (COMPLETED)

Kabanata 29

#JustThisOnce

Kabanata 29 

I did as Parker said. Umuwi na ako at saka kumain—but not after may mahanap ako para tumulong sa kanya. Ayoko naman kasi na mag-isa siyang maghanap ng kailangan niya. Hindi pa naman siya sanay doon.

Days passed by quickly. Busy si Parker sa kung anuman ang ginagawa niya kasama si Cindy. And although my curiosity was killing me, I managed to shrug it off. It's Parker's business, after all. At saka nagtitiwala naman ako na kung ako talaga ang gusto ni Parker, ako talaga. Kahit pa mukhang Disney Princess si Cindy.

I was in the middle of sorting yet another batch of files when my phone vibrated. Kaagad kong kinuha iyon kasi baka importante... but I almost dropped my phone when I saw the message.

Your grades are now available in the online portal.

Iyong kabog ng puso ko, grabe. Parang anytime ay pwede na siyang tumalon palabas ng dibdib ko.

I breathed again and again to calm myself, but to no avail. Alam mo 'yung feeling na alam mong ginawa mo naman lahat ng makakaya mo... nag-aral ka, hindi ka na natutulog halos, kinabisado mo lahat, ginawa mo lahat... pero kahit na ganoon, alam mo na bagsak ka pa rin? Sobrang helpless ng pakiramdam ko.

But I decided to just check my grades later. Marami pa rin naman kasi akong ginagawa... or maybe I was just prolonging my agony.

"See you tomorrow!" Jenny said. Tapos na iyong trabaho namin para ngayong araw. I smiled at her and waved. Nang inaayos ko na iyong mga gamit ko, I accidentally saw my phone—which I hid earlier dahil ayokong maisip iyong grades ko. But seeing it again reminded me of the impending doom.

"Bahala na nga..." I said and then grabbed my phone. Agad akong naglakad papunta sa fire exit. I just... knew I needed to be alone. Hindi naman ako tanga. Hindi ako in denial. I knew what was coming.

My hands were slightly shaking, but I managed to log in. Sobrang lalim ng paghinga ko habang hinihintay ko na lumabas iyong grades ko.

GWA: 3.54166667

Status: Under Probation

Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung dapat kong maramamdaman. I felt... scared. And angry. And disappointed.

Fuck. Hindi ko maintindihan 'yung sarili ko.

Nanatili na naka-tingin ako sa cellphone ko. Puro tres... may dalawang bagsak. Expected ko naman na... pero iba pa rin iyong pakiramdam kapag nasa harapan mo na. Parang... shit saan pa ba ako nagkulang? Ginawa ko na lahat. Pero ang kulang pa rin. Sobrang kulang pa rin.

Naputol ang pag-iisip ko nang may marinig akong bumukas na pinto. Napaawang ang labi ko nang makita ko si Parker. He was looking for something and when he saw me, relief washed over his face.

Akala ko titignan niya lang ako. Akala ko hindi siya magsasalita.

"Do you need someone to talk to?"

"Ha?"

He closed the door behind him and began to get nearer.

"About the grades," he continued. He was talking as if he was walking on thin ice. "Wanna talk about it?" maingat niyang tanong.

"Ha? Hindi. Okay lang ako," I said, trying to sound alright even though inside, I couldn't explain what was happening. I knew. Alam ko na bagsak ako... but my system couldn't process it yet.

I wanted to talk to Parker, to be there for him... To help him when things get tough. I wanted to become stronger for him... but I wasn't strong right now. I felt so weak, so defeated.