Antidote

Preface.

Antidote

an·ti·dote

/ˈan(t)iˌdōt/

• a medicine taken or given to counteract a particular poison.

• something that counteracts or neutralizes an unpleasant feeling or situation.

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"Alice, it's me." Hayden voice speaks through my phone. I can feel a lump growing in my throat at the sound of his voice. I miss him so much. "I miss you, please, please baby, call me back."

His words are slurred and I know he's been drinking. Hayden is calling my phone after three months of me leaving him. Three months and it's his first time calling, while he's drunk. I wanted him to call three months ago, sober. I wanted to go back to him despite the cheating and pregnancy. Who am I kidding, I still want to.

I am so in love with him that I've almost considered going back, multiple times on different days. I feel so void and lost without him. My life consists of all things him and without him here, I feel like a part of me is missing, a lot of me is missing. Hayden was my beginning and my end, my night and my day, my protector and helper, my lover and my biggest supporter. He was everything and more to me, and without him I feel like I'm nothing. These nights have been some of the darkest, loneliest, and lowliest days of my life.

It was the fourth night I was going to the bar in a week, and that's a record. I've been searching endlessly to find a replacement of what I left behind—of who I left behind. I was searching for that perfectly tan skin, those deep troubled blue eyes, the muscles I wanted to run my tongue over, the plump lips I could only dream about having kiss all over my body, those large hands—holy hell, those hands. I haven't found it yet because though my list is long, my list is singular. I'm looking for him. I haven't stopped since the day I walked out of his front door.

He is the only man I have ever wanted for myself but neither him nor I could continue living the lie that we were in. Sure we loved each other and that won't ever change, but he didn't trust me enough to ever be honest or upfront with me and I was looking for him to be someone that he wasn't. We were never going to last and it only took him getting another woman pregnant for me to understand that. But even now, I still miss him. I miss his love. I miss his affection. I miss his company. I miss us and what we had.

Attempting to move on is difficult when I compare every guy to him. He doesn't have his eyes. He doesn't have his hair. He doesn't smile the same. His hands are so tiny they wouldn't please me right. His lips are practically invisible our kisses won't be the same. He doesn't have those abs like him. He's so short.

Hayden has ruined all men for me, I can't move on. And then I drink. I drink to get him off of my mind. I drink again because it isn't working. I drink again because that second drink didn't work either. And then I'm a bottle down and that's when I forget why I was drinking in the first place. I forget who I was comparing all men too. My mind is clouded, my vision is blurry, and I forget.

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The IV needle drips and monitors beep behind me. I struggle to open my eyes, my eyelids feeling heavier than normal. "My God, you're okay." I hear a male voice but it's not the voice I've been craving to hear again. "Alice?"

I blink heavily a few times adjusting to the new bright light coming from the window and strangely speckled white walls of the hospital room. My eyes focus in on the person talking. "Hey gorgeous, you're okay."