Antidote

Chapter 5.

I work. I listen. I help. I pretend.

That is my life now since being back home in Los Angeles. I wake up every morning and I put on a layer of makeup hoping it could hide that pain and emptiness I feel. I go to work and I listen to those people who suffer from greater and lesser problems than me. I do whatever I can to help them through their problems, their thoughts, their pain. And then I go home and try to pretend I am okay and I am happy. I try but even sometimes, my facade slips and I find myself on the floor in my bathroom crying. Crying over the man who I know loves me but both times I left he never stopped me.

I know I was the one that left even though he told me to say. I went the opposite way but I just expected him to fight for me. At least one of the times. Am I being ridiculous and unreasonable for wanting Hayden to fight for me? To prove to me that I should stay? To give me a reason other than because I love you? Is that wrong of me?

"Alice?" My mother's voice is heard through the bathroom door.

I practically jump up from the floor and run to the sink to clean the tears from my face. I didn't know she was coming over. If I had known I would have held the tears in for another night. I don't want her to see me like this. I don't want her to know that once again I was crying over a man who was obviously over me again. I didn't want her to know that once again she was right. I didn't want her to know that I missed Hayden.

"Alice, honey, are you okay in there?" She knocks lightly on the door as she speaks.

"Yes," I call back, "I'll be out in a minute."

"I'll be in the kitchen, I bought Chinese."

I check myself in the mirror, my pathetic, wet face staring back at me. You're pathetic Alice. So pathetic it's sad to even look at you. My subconscious louder than ever tonight.

I dry my face with the hand towel and exit the bathroom. I put a smile on my face in place of the pout I wore in the bathroom, "What kind of Chinese?"

My mother was already sat on the couch with a plate of steamed rice and orange beef. It's become a favorite of ours since we got here. I make myself a plate in the kitchen while she sits in front of the television. "Oh, by the way, I listened to your voicemails." She tells me. I roll my eyes at her knowing she can't see me and I scoffed quietly. She's just so nosy, she really can't help herself.

"Anything interesting?"

"Your gynecologists' clinic called and said you need to schedule another appointment to talk about your birth control. Your three years with the depo shot has been up."

"Well I'm not having sex and I haven't for months so I don't think it's necessary right now."

"You never know when you're going to go out and find another guy like Declan." It hurts me that she didn't say, Hayden. I want another guy like Hayden . . . or just Hayden.

"I don't want another Declan, Mom, he was boring."

"Declan was handsome, kind, and easy, and he surely knew how to take care of you. He's everything you should want in a man." She defends.

"If you like him so much why don't you just take him for yourself." I find myself rolling my eyes at her again. For some reason tonight she's really annoying me. "He was a good lay, I'm sure you'd like that."

"Alice please, don't direct your anger at me. Are you still crying over Hayden? It's been two months since you left Seattle. He's not coming here for you and you aren't going back to him. Move on already hon." She uses her shortened pet name for me trying to ease her hurtful words and spiteful tone.