Antidote

Chapter 4.

The hours were flying by and he and I hadn't slept yet. We were talking and reminiscing and fucking and kissing. I never said anything about him wanting me back. I couldn't. I refuse to go to that place with him tonight. We have two separate lives now in two different states. He built a home here and I don't want to give up the life I made for myself in Beverly Hills. I love my job, I enjoy working with my mother and getting to know more and more about her, I love my apartment, and I love my friends. The only thing left here for me in Seattle is Hayden. If I come back I will be that girl. The one that gave up everything she ever loved and wanted for herself because of a man.

I love Hayden, I really do, but I learned a lesson from our relationship before. That lesson being, a person can love you and a person can show drastic changes, but if you constantly have to remind yourself why you stay, it's not good for you. I still strongly believe you should trust your significant other, and now, if I'm being completely honest, I don't trust Hayden.

I put too much trust in his before. I thought he could change for me, I thought he would be honest with me, and I thought would commit to only me. And none of that happened. I don't know if I can trust him again after all of that.

"You said at the reception that you were recently single." Hayden's finger nail lightly follows the curve of my spine, a delicious distraction of course, as he begins to delve into a topic he knows I don't want to speak about with him. "What did you mean by that?"

"I had a boyfriend." I don't dare look at him as I say it. I keep my eyes closed and my head resting on my crossed arms.

"And?"

"And we broke up weeks ago." That's all he will get from me. I don't want him knowing why or asking anymore questions about it. It's not like I'm going to ask him about the women he's fucked in the past three years.

He doesn't seem to notice my apprehension to this conversation, or he doesn't care. "Why?"

"Because he wanted more from me."

"Sex?"

"No, love."

"You didn't love him?" He questions.

"I couldn't love him." I correct him, still unable to look at him even though I really want to. I want look into his eyes to gauge his reaction to what I'm saying. His eyes always tell me the things his face nor voice will give away. He's a master at concealing his emotions but the minute you look into his eyes, they show him for who he really is, what he really thinks, and how he really feels.

Without looking at him I won't get any answers. How does he feel about me attempting to move on? How does he feel about my being unable to love another man after him? Does this hurt him or make him happy?

"The hopeless romantic and romance and love obsessed woman, can't allow herself to love a man? You sound more and more like me."

"The irony isn't lost on me Hayden, I assure you."

"What was it about him that you couldn't love him?"

"He wasn't you." The words are out of my mouth before I could even think of them. It's something I never wanted him to know. I can't move on from no matter how hard I try. It's terrifying how much I love Hayden. It's shocking how even after these years I don't want any other man besides him. It's slightly appalling how many times I fantasized about never leaving despite everything that ever erupted between us.

I learned about his demons and even then something about those demons caused me to fall harder in love with him. He told me his darkest secrets and fantasies and even then my heart swelled when I though of him. I wanted him and everything that came with him. I still do.