My God, My Father, My Savior

9

        Sometimes at night, I lie awake, thinking of the storms I've braved in the past. I used to cry over the things that were once said to me. Looking back on it now, I can't help but smile. God put me through those things as a way to prepare me for the future. He's making me stronger every day. 

        I used to shout at Him, I used to doubt Him every second of every day. I blamed Him for not giving me the life I wanted, for the life I thought I deserved. While all of this was going on, I had self doubts. I started to lose my faith. I started to hate going to church. I would use His name in vain without a care. I even struggled with knowing whether or not if my faith was my own, or my grandparents'. 

      Don't get me wrong, my parents are religious, but my grandparents were super religious. My grandma especially. During all of this, I felt as if I was suffocating. I was drowning in my own self pity. It came to the point that I was thinking about ending it all. This being after my adoption, my parents grew worried. My mom thought that I didn't love my dad who had adopted me. My dad thought that I didn't care for him. 

         I couldn't handle the pressure! It was all too much for me to handle at twelve years old! So, I did the only thing I could think of. I bowed my head and folded my hands. I prayed for the first time in weeks. As I prayed, I felt this warm feeling circulate through me. It made me feel safe and loved. 

       Today, two years after the adoption, I still struggle with my own self doubts. Every time I find myself doing so, I pray. Today, i know that my faith is my own, that I am a strong Christian girl who loves God with all her heart. I know that He put me on this earth for a reason. As frustrating as it is, I still haven't found it entirely. 

        I know that I'm not perfect, but I know that in God's eyes I am. That's all that matters. It doesn't matter what your race is, your body type, your hair color,or  your eye color. All that matters is that you are you, and that's the best you that you can be.