One Shot's / Other stuff

Not Understanding Why

{Side note: This was going one place and took a turn. If you are sensitive to the rape topic don't read this (It isn't very descriptive but still)}

Friday~March(3)~24~2017~11:25am

Why do winter breezes feel like failure? Like the feeling you get when you've worked day & night for 3 weeks just to get a 45% grade because you decided creativity shows more excellent than going by the book.

Why does a cold water rinse from your silly shower head give you a rush stronger than the ones you hear about when people exaggerate their first experiences in love. Like your heart only has palpitations when you're in shock and not in love.

Why does everyone assume that hell is a place of burning hot fire & lava and not cold dark grey snow & bitter icicles that fall beside troubled souls or spirits of killer? Like as if they don't know winter can freeze lives that was once blooming. Everybody knows the cold is associated with bad. That's what i've been taught at least.

Why are we always given two options in life and never a middle ground or the option to create our own paths as if success and failure are the only ways to go about living. There is something else there but it just hasn't been exposed yet because we've all been taught that it all narrows down to 2 choices. Bet you can't think of a middle ground right now.

Why is it decided that Blacks and Asians or Hispanics and Caucasians can't blend and bond through love but instead fight a stupid war everyday in which we all continuously loose and live miserably because of it. Believe me nobody is winning here. Like everyone is fucking oblivious to the fact that we are not all fighting for acceptance and a place in this world. Really think about it. Most fights are completely stupid because we are all fighting for the same thing out of greed and no one is getting to win instead of us all winning and getting the same shit together. We are misguided by our ancestors who didn't know any better themselves. Like skin color, eye shapes and accents define weather we are monsters or not. 

Why is it that the first thing I was told as a child is that love is a difficult process and that it's easier to hate? Like i wasn't going to grow up and discover that all that was the biggest bullshit lie designed by a bitter brokenhearted soul who gave up way too easily because they tripped 5 minutes into a battle and couldn't find the energy in themselves to get up off the fucking ground on their own so instead they started to pull others down with them. because self inflicting misery is a lonely place and it feels a bit less lonely when you drag others into it with you back to back. Believe me when I say : After all I've been through it's effortless to love because love comes naturally. Hate does not. Don't negotiate with hatred.

Why as a woman can't I voice the fact that I want to prove myself worthy to no one else but myself by living in independence because that's the only way I know how to. Because every other option was shut down years before I was born or by ignorant parents and reprogrammed TV screens telling me that a females only fucking purpose is to be weak, cover up my natural beauty with makeup and command to men. Then create more men then other women for those men to try and control. Because apparent-fucking-ly girls can't show strength not in mental nor a physical way. As if I don't know that deep down inside of me I was born a fucking beauty and a sight to see a motherfucking treasure to this world like everyone else, like I can't like other women or my own fucking self reflection, like my brain doesn't hold the knowledge of the world. Because sports are designed by guys therefore are for guys and if a girl wants to play a guys game it supposedly means that she wants to be one. Like having a dick between my legs will be the only thing that proves my fucking self worth AS A WOMAN... Now it's a feminist thing. So you put your dicks between my legs... Without my sober consent, but that's not enough... so you attach it by inserting into what defined me as a woman in the first place and you push, and push, and push, and push until it destroys my womanhood both physically and mentally... but unfortunately you still couldn't make a man of me but at least i'm not a woman either. instead I'm a pity. In fact I'm not anything. Aside from empty and humiliated, a disgusting sight that can't even get the slightest hint of pity... Not from you or anybody...You did this to me... Yet your not the one I hate...Instead I hate myself... me.

Why... Why is that. Why do I hate myself and not you? Because what is there to hate about you right? You're a man after all.... You have it all don't you. Strength, love, respect and looks... you get better pay than I do and get to enjoy the many things of life like sports to its fullest extent not to mention you get to wear your clothes while you do it. Knowledge for the sake of the world you can wear pants without any side effects like being called ugly or out of your gender or someone worrying if you're sick. you can even eat a whole pan of cookies without being called fat because people naturally cheer you on for those kinds of things. so why.. do I hate myself... Is it my fault fault that YOU raped me... Maybe it is right? because I did some soccer practice in shorts. Girl shorts of course... because I'm a female. I mean yeah my shorts are about a foot and a half shorter than yours but that's just how things are designed for girls... They are shorts after all anyways.

Why... I was just wondering why... how is it that a girl who has been raped can't see that men get raped too? how is it that someone who hates being discriminated against can discriminate against others? how can I not see that all the change in the world starts with in me?

I don't hate men... I don't hat women either. What I hate is discrimination and judgment and lies. I hate that I don't know how to "Properly"... express that. so in stead I bicker or fight. because the only way I've ever learned how to defend love is with hate... Crazy right? because no matter how low I get there's 3 things that can't never be taken from me regardless of weakness or gender... That is my voice. not the kind that you necessarily hear but the kind that can literally move mountains of people. my voice in which I'm using now to move you. That same voice that some people are trying to ignore but still will effect them either way. My thrive to fight. Fight for all that I believe in. Things like equality and rights. Things I shouldn't have to fight for like respect and happiness. Then the last thing you nor can anybody else take from me. something that was coursing through me before my blood was. Something that build me and broke barriers for me & others. Something that you can feel see and understand. It's not my spirit although that is a factor. It's love. 

So tell me why... better yet tell me what.