We are settling into life here really well. The turquoise and silver jewelry comes out of storage, the warmth comes back to my skin and I feel at peace in the desert. I hear doves outside my window and I smile, making breakfast for Aria. She seems to like it here too, playing in the sand and dirt and telling me in her own language (with a few words I can understand) about the saguaros and road runners. We grow accustom to the light fabrics needed during the day and thin layers at night. We carve out a life that we can enjoy together. We color, draw, paint and make delicious meals with nana and papa (my mom and dad). Her hair turns golden in the sun, just like her skin despite all the sunscreen I slather on. I'm writing more, letting go of the past more and making our way into a beautiful and bright future. I've been gone for a few months and I haven't once heard from Lindsey. Sometimes I'm tempted to check in but I know it will upset my progress. Recently, I've stopped crying myself to sleep. Yes, I still love him and Aria's love of water really reminds me of her father. I long to tell him about his little fish and how she swims better than I can! I want to show him pictures of her playing with salamanders and dancing in the rain. I want him to talk to her about things she's interested in and watch how she reacts to music. She has loved watching my record take shape and she's really interested in instruments, she sings and is quite a funny little dancer. I look in her eyes and sometimes I feel like I'm looking at her daddy. I miss him everyday though I am told I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't. But I do.
I pick up the phone and dial the number. It rings a couple of times and then I hear his voice.
"Hello" he says. I instantly regret calling. "Hello?"
"Hey" I say hesitantly.
"Stevie?"
"Yeah, did you forget about me already?"
"No, of course not. It just seems too good to be true. You said you needed space"
"Thank you for giving it to me. I know Karen passed that message on"
"Oh yeah, loud and clear! I just wanted to listen to you for once, you know?" He laughs a little and I smile. "How have you been?"
"Great! I almost forgot how beautiful it was here. It really is magical and Aria is getting so big!"
"I miss her so much. I bet you guys are having a lot of fun"
"We are. If you want, I can send you some pictures"
"I would like that. Thank you, Stevie."
"You're welcome. So how's your boy?"
"Will is alright. He was diagnosed with thalassemia. It's a blood disorder. He needs blood transfusions every few weeks. I feel helpless so I think I might donate blood. I just want to do something, to help someone, you know?"
"I totally understand" It's silent a minute. "I know that you're worried sick over Will and you don't want to miss anything but how would you feel about coming here for a couple days? Or maybe we can come to you?"
"I don't know..."
"Oh...I get it"
"I'm sorry"
"No, no that's fine. Well, anyway it was good to hear from you. Goodbye" I put the phone down without hearing the response. Im glad Karen comes in right after because I'm a mess.
"Stevie, what happened?"
"I've lost him"
"What are you talking about? Lost who?"
"Lindsey. I called to check in because we hadn't spoken in a while..."
"You said just yesterday that it was too soon, it would hurt too much"
"I thought he'd want to see Aria. I suggested he come here, I even offered for us to come to him and all he could say was 'I don't know'....maybe he doesn't want me anymore"
"You guys didn't exactly end on good terms, I honestly don't know why you care what he thinks or what he wants. You know how I feel about all this Stevie but I can't change your mind"
"When he came to me before we left I should have let him in my room. He wanted to talk and I pushed him away. Is he punishing me?"
"You have nothing to be punished for. You haven't done anything wrong"
"He's right. Something or someone always gets in the way" I say, sighing as I stare out the window.
"He did something so wrong. I don't know how you can so readily jump back into his arms. You are such a push over. Stand up for yourself"
"I'm a fool when it comes to him. He could kill me right now and I'd probably still defend him. He is the reason I'm living the life I do"
"Yes he is" Karen says, crossing her arms.
"You know what I mean. Without him telling Mick and the others he had to take me along, I wouldn't have had success with Fleetwood Mac. I wouldn't have beautiful houses, amazing travel experiences...I wouldn't have my daughter. I owe a lot to him."
"Doesn't mean you should just let him walk all over you. I don't know what's going on with you but I know this isn't you. You're strong, you have confidence...you're Stevie fucking Nicks! You may be a little sad, maybe even a little depressed and you know you can talk to me. Respect yourself enough to let go, honey"
I know she's right but I'm so scared to be alone. I'm not myself. I need to connect with my higher sense of self and get to know Stevie again. I don't have to be Stevie plus Lindsey. I mean, 4 years ago I wasn't and I was fine. I have no idea what's changed, what switch was flipped inside of me...I know I wont let him dismiss my feelings, I won't allow myself to wallow in self doubt any longer. It's been an emotional time for me and I find my escape in music. Years ago I talked about Tom helping me through a lot of things and how his songs serve as the soundtrack for my life at time. Now is no different. As if someone up there heard me, I turn on the radio and I hear what I need to hear.
Hey! don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Whatever you're looking for
Hey! don't come around here no more
I've given up, stop, I've given up, stop.
I've given up, stop, on waiting any longer
I've given up, on this love getting stronger
Don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
I don't feel you anymore
You darken my door
Whatever you're looking for
Hey, don't come around here no more
I've given up, stop, I've given up, stop.
I've given up, stop, you tangle my emotions
I've given up, honey please admit it's over
Hey! don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Don't come around here no more
Stop walking down my street
Don't come around here no more
Who did you expect to meet?
Don't come around here no more
Whatever you're looking for
Hey! don't come around here no more
Hey! honey please, don't come around here no more
Whatever you're looking for
Ah, oh, ah, ah.
Don't come around here no more
Aria comes down the stairs after her long nap and hugs me, her voice soft from sleep.
"Mommy, I love you" she tells me, hugging me tightly. I bend down and pick her up, kissing her unruly golden-Amber curls.
"I love you too, my precious girl"
"Can we play in the water?" She asks.
"Let's have something to eat then we can swim, okay?
"Okay" she nods, hugging me around the neck.
"Focus on her. Let her guide you" Karen tells me and I know that's just the answer I've been looking for.
