The tests were all negative and I was devastated. I wanted so much for all of my symptoms to add up to something but maybe it was all in my head. I think back to what Christine had said to me when I was pregnant with Aria. I was late and she told me it was a sign of menopause. "I didn't think so either, love but it was for me" rings through my head and I cry. He wanted another baby so badly and now it felt impossible. He was even more distant, especially when his mother passed away just after the new year. He wouldn't eat, wouldn't sleep. All he would do is go to the studio and play guitar. The same sad tune all day long. I felt so bad for him. We attended the funeral and it was all too real for all of us. I poured myself into work and my daughter. They were all I had. When I needed comfort, he was no longer there. Just a ghost of him shuffling through the house then back to the studio.
My parents came to see us, deciding to stay for a while to help with Aria during this time but I was hoping they'd help me with us. Our relationship was going to ashes before my eyes. It was so great to have the love around I so craved because I wasn't getting it from Lindsey. My mother noticed we aren't so close anymore and she encouraged me to talk to him, "Don't let it slip away" she said. I remember our conversation at the late anniversary party we held so everyone could finally celebrate our marriage with us. Lord knows they were dying! He was nowhere to be found for over an hour and what's the use in celebrating our first year of marriage when half of the couple isn't even there? I try to think back to what she said every time I feel like giving up.
"Mama, he acts like a stranger now. He was better for a time then all of a sudden he goes back. Aria turns one soon and he's not at all excited".
"Did you ever think that since Ruth passed, it's hard for him to celebrate knowing she won't be there?"
"I guess I didn't..." I say, feeling terrible. "Oh I've said such awful things, I've accused him of cheating...he's grieving. I'm the worst wife in the world" I cry.
"No, baby girl. It's easy to see our own side of things and feel our own hurt but it's important to look outside of ourselves sometimes to understand other people. You've been busy with Aria and I totally get that. The first year is all encompassing and it's totally normal for a woman to lose herself in this most important work but you, Stephanie, are loving, caring, sympathetic and gracious. You take care of everyone but yourself and you cannot beat yourself up about this. We all make mistakes. Apologize to him and work on your problems. You two were meant for each other. I've known that since the beginning of time" I chuckle, wiping my tears and she holds my hands in hers. "Go to him, TeeDee"
I nod. "I love you. Thank you."
"You're very welcome, my girl" She kisses my cheek and I turn to find Lindsey. He has our baby girl on his hip and he's laughing and joking with friends. I go to his side and put my arm around his waist. He looks down at me and smiles and in his eyes, I know we are going to be alright.
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2000:
"Hey baby" I greet him, raising on my tip toes to kiss him. I just got home from the studio and he's been running around after Aria all day. She's a spirited little thing and loves to push the boundaries. It's the age, I think. She turns two next month and I want to throw her the best birthday party a little girl could ask for.
"How did it go?" He asks me.
"Oh, you know..." I say, taking my hair down from the awful ponytail I had it in. "I was going over some of the demos, having them picked apart...I should be used to it with you around." He smacks my bum playfully in response and I giggle.
"You know I support everything you do."
"I know, honey. But you take a beautiful, incredible 8 minute song and make it just under 4."
"You ramble!"
I feign offense and place my hand on my chest. "That is not true!"
"You have a 16 minute Sara...a 15 minute Edge, you have 11 minute demos from the 80s and they're all in totes in our basement"
"That's not rambling. I get carried away with the music. It's passion!" I explain.
"That's just code for rambling" he says, teasing me. I stick my tongue out at him as I turn to go to the kitchen but he grabs me and pulls me into him, kissing me fiercely. "But I love your rambling and I love you. You are living music when you walk around here barefoot in lace or chiffon...I remember the way your dresses would flow so beautifully over that belly of yours when you were pregnant with our little girl."
"I miss being pregnant with her. I miss her being a little baby. She's growing up way too fast"
"We could try again" he tells me.
"We tried for over almost a year with nothing to show." I say, trying not to cry. "My time is over. I'm lucky to have our beautiful little girl." He nods, kissing me. "Speaking of, where is she?"
"Just finishing lunch"
"She's awfully quiet" I say. We go into the kitchen to see she has fallen asleep while eating her chicken and pasta I had left for Lindsey to warm up for her. She looked so sweet. I carefully wiped her face clean and picked her up, holding her close to my chest and stroking her curly hair. Our hearts are beating in time and I can feel hers against my skin. "I wish I could stay just like this for the rest of my life."
It's true, my daughter is my greatest joy. She will come before any gig, any song, any band...she's my reason for doing anything. I take her upstairs and lay her down for a nap. I kiss her before taking the monitor back downstairs. Lindsey is cleaning up the kitchen, wiping the counters down with Clorox wipes.
"I missed you" I told him, kissing his shoulders. He turns around in my arms and strokes my face.
"You are so beautiful" he says. "I missed you too."
"Why don't you show me how much? Right here, right now" I say. I hike up my skirt and wrap my legs around his waist. He starts kissing my lips, then goes how my neck and chest. He unbuttons my blouse and pulls it off of me, taking my breasts into his hands. He rubs his thumbs over my erect nipples, plunging his tongue into my mouth. He reaches his hand between my legs and strokes me through my panties and he stops kissing me to smile when he discovers I'm already wet. "Fuck me" I whisper. He unbuckles his belt and I turn around so my bum is pressed against his crotch. He unzips his jeans and pulls out his hardness. He lifts my skirt, sliding my panties down my thighs and he presses me into the counter in front of me. He forces himself inside of me and he groans at the tightness. He pounds into me, occasionally slapping my ass and making it sting.
"Ooh!" I moan. "Yes Lindsey. Harder, baby"
"Talk to me, Steph" he says "Tell me what you want. How does it feel?"
"You feel so good baby. Your cock is so big, oh, I love how you feel inside me. I want you to fuck me hard until I beg you to stop. Keep going, make me come for you baby over and over. You are so good, fuck me until the only name I remember is yours"
"Scream my name, baby."
"Lindsey, ah, Lindsey! Oh Lindsey!" I moan as he circles my swollen bud. I clench around him, sighing with ecstasy has he brings me over the edge. "Don't stop baby. Fill me."
He keeps slipping out of me because of the wetness and slams into me harder when he gets frustrated. I can tell he's close so I take his hands and put them on my breasts. He squeezes them hard and I whimper. "Jesus, Steph. Mmmm yes, baby girl. You feel so good. So tight, so wet. Your beautiful little pussy craves my cock, doesn't it bitch? Beg me to fuck you harder" He says, groaning and I have never once heard him say things like that. "My little whore, my perfect little slut" He takes a handful of my hair and pulls it back hard. He leans forward and kisses my cheek sloppily, leaving little love bites and red marks on the exposed skin of my neck and shoulders. He fills me with his release and I moan, whispering my love for him.
"I love you, Steph. I love you so much" His strokes slow to a stop and he groans.
"I love you" I tell him breathlessly. He withdraws from me and my body aches. I smile at him but feel kind of uneasy. He pushes me forcefully into the counter again and kisses me hard, doing up his jeans. He slaps my ass and leaves the room. I pull my panties up and pull my skirt back down, adjusting my clothes to the best of my ability.
What the fuck just happened?
