Shattered Illusions (ON HOLD)

Chapter 16(Updated)

Sunny had dropped me off where i told him, my legs wobbled the moment i stepped foot out of his alt. Seeing me wobble on my legs made Sunstreaker laugh in utter delight, obviously happy that he was able to do that to me.

Asshole

When he finally left, i sat down at a bench and tried to collect myself. I was still feeling very turned on from what Sunstreaker had pulled, and very giddy. Once i was collected enough I started to walk down the sidewalks of the empty downtown area. The sun was higher in the sky, allowing more light for me to see. I decided to stop in at a restaurant and get some breakfast, i was seriously craving some pancakes and bacon.

When i had ordered my food and drink, i quickly went to the bathroom to clean myself up. I grumbled to myself in annoyance, cursing Sunstreaker and his magic fingers and his just overall sexual appeal.

I obviously more than cared about the two of them, but i still didn't feel comfortable enough to fully admit i was in love with the twins. It felt a little too soon to be honest.

If there was one thing i craved more than anything in the world, it was to be loved. At the same time it was what terrified me the most. All my life I spent looking for someone to give a shit, to be my support and be the one to help me pick my pathetic life up, and most of all love me and all of my flaws. After my parents were killed, i never knew love. I was in and out of foster homes or being adopted only to be returned. Some homes were not at all welcoming for any child, some of them i was abused emotionally or physically in, the others would try to change me into something I'm not. Then there would be the few that would attempt to love me, but when you've been turned away so many times as a child, you get detached, you don't believe anyone could love you, so you give up. So when those few homes tried to break my walls, i was never easy to handle, i never let them in. So eventually they just took me back, unable to handle not being able to connect with me.

Love was something i wanted, but i knew i could easily be manipulated by it, it could destroy me if the wrong person gained my love. I was pathetically loyal to those i loved, and as much as i hated to admit it, I'd be one of those girls that would end up in a very emotionally and possibly physically abusive relationship. I would be the one that wouldn't find the strength to leave, I would make excuse upon excuse for them because I would be too scared to be on my own again.

There were a lot of girls like me that i seen in situations like that, and that was why giving into love, despite how much i wanted it, was hard.

Plus on top of that i had a horrible problem of being extremely self-loathing in my down times, i would pick at myself and all my flaws, i was my own worst enemy. I didn't help that the scars etched into my back fucked with me more than anything. Pathetic, unwanted, weak, and freak.

The words weren't very original, but after hearing those words directed at me most of my life, it began to stick to me. Anger started to bubble up in me, it was random and irrational, but it made me want to punch something. 

Quickly scarfing down my food i decided to go to the fighting rings. I was still healing from the last match, but i wanted to feel something other than anger and an overwhelming numbness. I pretty sure I was facing some sort of depression, but i tried not to think of it. I was so used to feeling it, it didn't affect me, well at least that is what i liked to convince myself.

My thoughts were on the fight, i wanted to hurt something or someone bad, and i hated how overwhelming it was. I wanted to feel something crunch under my hand, i wanted to feel the wetness of blood, and most of all i wanted to feel pain.

I knew i had to wait until later today though, the rings were illegal obviously, so they kept things going at nights.

Fight fight fight