moods / phan

chapter eighteen

dan

Dan isn't sure what to do when Phil collapses into his arms, sobbing his heart out.

All he can do is just hold him and hope that it will be enough as Dan has never had a way of comforting with words - he stutters too much and sounds unsure of himself.

"How did you do it Dan?" Phil asks, his voice timid and scared - as fragile as a shattered window.

"Do w-what?" Dan asks, his head still resting on Phil's shoulder and arms wrapped around him.

"How did you manage to put yourself back together, even though the world was entirely against you," Phil asks, "how do you keep getting up after you've fallen to the ground for the hundredth time?"

Dan unwraps his arms from around Phil's body and holds him away by his shoulders, looking deeply into Phil's shining blue eyes. Dan wishes he could make Phil instantly feel better - take the pain away from Phil.

"I-I was close t-to giving up, t-to letting myself j-just fall apart f-for the last time, b-but then I m-met this b-boy. His n-name's Phil. H-he was as b-bright as the s-sun, s-still is in m-my eyes, o-only he just h-has lost his w-way a l-little. H-he gave me light, w-warmth and m-made me r-realise that e-even if o-only one person b-believes in y-you, if it's t-the right person, t-that's all y-you need."

As the last word leaves Dan's lips, he realises that a tear has slipped down his cheek. He smiles softly at Phil and sees part of him seem to fix itself. Dan watches as the mood above Phil slowly shifts into a small, blue heart.

"Thanks Dan," Phil says quietly, "I'm sorry."

"Don't a-apologise for being u-upset," Dan says, "i-it's out o-of your control."

"I was mean to you, I shouldn't have been," Phil says, his gaze flicking downwards, "all you did was try to be there for me."

"I-it's okay. I-it's when s-someone tries to p-push you a-away, it's when y-you know t-that they n-need you the m-most," Dan replies with a faint smile, his hand resting on Phil's cheek now, his fingers brushing tear stained skin.

"How are you so good at this?" Phil asks, looking at Dan with somewhat amazement but mostly gratitude.

"I-it's how I-I've felt before; I just s-say what I-I wished s-someone would s-say to me when I-I felt l-like that," Dan explains with a shrug.

"I wish you didn't have to feel like this, I wish no one felt pain or sadness," Phil says.

"You h-have to feel s-sad," Dan says, "otherwise y-you wouldn't know w-what happiness is, y-you wouldn't a-appreciate it."

"You are the wisest person I know," Phil says, looking at Dan with a smile now - not one of his full smiles, but a smile nonetheless.

"No Phil," Dan replies, "just the most broken."

Dan doesn't seem to register what happens next. One minute Phil is staring deeply into his eyes, blue on brown, then the next his face is close to his, Phil's breath on Dan's lips, waiting. Then his lips briefly press against Dan's own, soft and warm, and something inside Dan clicks into place.

Phil pulls away and hugs Dan tightly. Two broken boys hugging onto one another behind a school classroom, lost to the world around them, but are the world to each other.

***

Dan is sobbing in his room.

He hears his door creak open and someone walks in, closing it again softly behind them. Dan looks up to see a blurry image of his brother kneeling in front of him.