voices | phan au

Chapter Twenty One

(A/N: so, THANK YOU FOR 1,000K READS! Oh, my flipping god, I mean, without sounding cheesy, I dreamt of it and idk, I've decided to write another chapter to celebrate? Enjoy!)

I can't...

I don't want to self harm again, and I can't. I've made a pledge myself that I wouldn't mainly for Phils sake, but I didn't know what to do! People are attacking me and the radio and I don't know what to do with anything. Before I knew it, I felt tears run down my cheek. I need to stop crying. As I was reaching for my box of razors because I had no other solution, I heard a knock at the door (thank god?) I swallowed my own sorrow and spoke:

"Y-yeah?" I asked, stuttering.

"Can I come in Dan?" Phil said, already pulling down on the door handle.

"Y-yeah." I said, waiting for him to come in.

He opened the door and sat on the floor next to me and snuggled into my shoulder. 

"What's wrong Dan?" Phil asked softly, rubbing my back soothingly.

I shook my head. "It doesn't matter, it never does." I said, not meaning to make it sound as sad as it did. I knew Phil frowned at my knees, which were next to my chest. He ruffled my hair and kissed my neck, in a none desirable way. I snuffled and wiped my cheeks, trying to not make Phil notice, but to no avail, it didn't work. 

"There is obviously something up, Dan." Phil said giggling.

(PHILS POV)

Dan just shook his head and buried his head further between his knees. Was, it me? No, it can't be. He kept snuffling and wiping his tear stained cheeks. He didn't want me to notice, but I wasn't going to let his go that easily. I knew what he wants to do, and I won't let him. 

"Hey, I need to unpack more stuff, you don't have to, okay?" I said, calmingly. 

He nodded as I left the room. I leant against the door and sighed. I then ran to the kitchen, grabbed my phone and called PJ. 

"Hello?" Pj said.

"Hi, it's Phil. Can I speak to you or is this bad timing?" 

"No, go ahead."

"Well, it's about Dan. Are you sure you want me to talk about Dan? I feel like I do it too often." I said, cracking a sad smile that he couldn't see.

He chuckled. "Yeah, go ahead Philly."

"Well, I know that he wants to cut again. How? Basically, he's in a mood for god knows what and when I went into my filming room, he had a box of razors on top of the bed, so I took them. I really don't want him doing it again, he is slash was doing so well! I have no idea what to do with him PJ..." I said sadly.

"There is always a psychiatric ward." PJ said, giggling at his own joke. (a hospital/home where mentally ill people stay.)

"No, I can't!" I said, laughing. "You can always cheer me up PJ, do you want to come over tomorrow?" I said, not even bothering to see if he's free first.

"Go on then, I'll see you tomorrow Phillydelphia!"

"I hate you," I said, laughing, before hanging up on him.

Good.

I went towards mine and Dan's bedroom and Dan was out of it. I smiled at the sight in front of me and got changed into pyjamas and hopped into bed.

(DANS POV)

I wasn't really asleep.

(trigger warning)
When I was 100% sure Phil was zonked out, I slipped out of bed and ran to the kitchen, desperate for pain. I knew he had my razors so I looked for them. Yes! I found them. I slid down the cabinets, sitting on the floor. Rolling up my hoodies sleeves, I took a razor blade, but at first just stared at it. Did I want to do this? I mean, I will feel so bad for Phil again. But I need this... I ran the blade over my many scars and watched at my blood hit the white, tiled floor. Again and again, I just couldn't stop. I did it on my other fore arm too. I stopped and applied pressure with my hand, to stop the blood, I didn't want blood on the sheets. I bandaged up my arms, cleaned the razor and put them back where I found them. 

A disappointed sigh came out of my mouth and echoed in the back of my brain. I was so sorry. I didn't know how to deal with it! I shook it off and went to the filming room. I couldn't have Phil waking up, looking at my arms and being really annoyed with me, so I slept there. It took a while for me to actually fall to sleep, but I did, ever so slowly.

(NEXT DAY)

I woke up with a pounding head ache and a slurred sound of Phil yelling my name. I tossed and turned to the sound of Phil yelling. I heard him sniff up as though he was crying. I opened my eyes slightly to see Phil running out. I leaned up and held myself up with my elbows. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed and remember what I did last night; cut. 

I threw on a T-shirt, pyjama bottoms and a hoddie and walked to the door way, over hearing who Phil was talking too. 

"He's only just woke up I think... Hm? Yeah, again. I'm getting worried. Is their anything you can do? What? I can't put him in a psychiatric ward! I love him too much. I will deal with it, but I can't put up with it any more..."

My heart sunk and my emotion filled tears ran down my tear stained cheeks. I wanted to kiss him so badly and let him know that I won't do it again, so I did. As he leant over the breakfast bar, I ran up to him and wrapped my arms around the back of him. His sudden elbow hit me, but I didn't care. He spun around, my arms still wrapped around him and his arms slithered behind my neck. I snuggled into his chest and mumbled : "I am so sorry..." He grabbed my chin and brought me close to his lips, but before we touched, he whispered : "You better be..." Then, he crashed his lips to mine and we stayed there in each others arms, kissing until I broke away and said:

"Hey, Phil?"

"Hmm?"

"This is the most fun I've ever had..."

(A/N: YAY really crappy celebration chapter! WOOP! But in all seriousness, I can't thank you all enough for 1K reads on this. I love you all...)

Xxx