Bleed To Love Her (B.N)

The Next Morning

The sun rose high in the sky above the rain room, and Stevie was thankful that the glass walls were impossible to see through from the outside. She wouldn’t feel right if people were able to see her, lying naked with an also naked Lindsey, who was supposed to be devastated over his relationship’s breakdown. They lay on their backs, Lindsey’s robe covering them like a blanket, smoking joints. “What does this mean this time then?” Stevie asked, taking the joint from Lindsey. Lindsey sighed. He turned his head to look at Stevie, who did the same and looked back at him. He smiled. “This reminds me of the our first time together.” Stevie smiled back at him. “Yea. But we had a mattress then.” Lindsey chuckled. “When did things get so complicated, Steph?” He asked seriously. Stevie smiled; no one had called her Steph since the late 70s. “They became complicated when we joined the band, Linds.” Lindsey’s brow furrowed; he didn’t like that. He didn’t like that his great creative output machine was the reason he had lost the only woman he had, and perhaps ever would, love. He looked back at Stevie, who had been staring at him for the last few minutes. “Stevie, I – ” Lindsey began, but was quickly silenced by Stevie, who promptly put her finger on his lips. “Linds, don’t tell me you love me if this is gonna end badly again.” Lindsey grabbed her hand. “You ended it all three times. Remember?” He whispered, kissing her hand. “I know.” Stevie whispered back, watching his lips make their way across her knuckles. Stevie continued to watch him as she thought of her life with Lindsey. “We had some good times, didn’t we?” He asked. Stevie smiled. “Yea. We sure did.” Lindsey hesitated before asking, “Steph… Why did you end it?” Stevie pulled her hand from his grasp and sat up. She started to get dressed, as Lindsey watched on. “Stevie, we have to talk about this.” “No we don’t.” Stevie replied, trying hard not to cry. As the tears threatened to flow, she felt the strong arms of her love wrap around her waist. “Lindsey… Please… Don’t…” Stevie begged, the tears now slowly spilling from her eyes. As the sobs escaped her mouth, Lindsey soothed her, pulling her back towards him and rocking her. “We really need to get out of this routine.” He said, kissing her hair. “What do you mean by ‘routine’.” Stevie managed to say between sobs. “Well: we meet, we try not to have sex, we have sex, I make you cry, I calm you down and then it all ends soon after.” Stevie giggled and Lindsey smiled. “I love your giggle, Stevie.” Stevie slapped his chest. Keeping her hand there, she started playing with the dark hairs that covered almost every inch of his sculpted torso. “Stevie?” “Yea?” Lindsey titled her head up to look at him. “Why did you come here last night?” Stevie smiled, caressing his face. “I heard about you and Carol.” “So? I didn’t rush to your side when you broke up with any of your boyfriends.” Stevie’s face became angry and she was about to scream an insult in Lindsey’s face. But the insult never happened; before Stevie could even utter a syllable, Lindsey’s lips were on hers. When he broke away, he whispered, “Sorry. Continue.” Stevie nodded dreamily; she loved how Lindsey’s kisses could still put her in a daze. “I came to see you because of Carol. I was told she’d left you and… I knew you two were engaged and I remembered how bad you were hurting when we broke up and…” Lindsey nodded calmly. “Aren’t you going to say anything?” She asked. Lindsey just looked at her, with no particular emotion. “Lindsey?” Lindsey blinked and then said quietly, “You really think her leaving me was as bad as you telling me to pack up my things and ship out?” Stevie looked at him, stunned. “But… You loved her. Didn’t you?” Lindsey scoffed. “Of course I loved her. I still love her to some degree. She only left yesterday! But… Carol leaving me was nothing like you leaving me.” He tilted her head up so he could look her in the eyes. “When you ended things, you broke my heart. Because I didn’t know what I had done to make you want to leave me. I was still in love with you when you told me it was over. I blamed the band for our breakup.” “What do you mean? It wasn’t their fault.” “No. I don’t mean the people in the band; just the thing that the band is. Stevie, if we had just carried on with Buckingham Nicks, we would have moved back to San Francesco, got married, had children and continued to make music together, just the two of us.” Stevie listened and watched as Lindsey’s eyes lit up at the thought of them getting married and having a family together. Lindsey looked back at Stevie. “Don’t you want that?” Stevie smiled. “I would love that. But I realised a long time ago that my career is my child. As much as I would love to be a mother and a wife, music is too important to me.” Lindsey’s face fell, the light leaving him eyes. “But… What about me?” “Linds, you are still young and beautiful – don’t interrupt me by telling me that I am too – but I am getting older and pretty soon, I won’t be able to give any man any children, not even you. But you: you can go on forever. You could very well still get married and have 10 children.” “But what if the only woman I want to marry is you?” Lindsey asked. Stevie kissed his cheeks. “You’re the only man I would ever consider marrying Linds.” “What about Kim?” Stevie was taken aback; she had completely forgotten about her shotgun wedding to Kim, the widower of her late best friend, Robin. “What about him?” “You married him.” “That’s different. We were both grieving. We didn’t know what else to do - ” “Come off it, Steph. You only wanted their baby. And marrying Kim was the only way to get to him.” Stevie became angry again. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare say that to me! Of course I fucking wanted Matthew! He was this little newborn baby who didn’t - and will never – have his mom. I’m the closet he was ever gonna get! There is no one else who knew Robin as well as I did; not even Kim! So don’t you dare say I ‘just wanted the baby’. I didn’t just want him! He isn’t just a possession that I wanted to own. I wanted to raise him and teach him about his mom, what a wonderful human being she was and how proud she is of him, looking down at him from heaven.” Lindsey watched as a waterfall of tears flooded down Stevie’s cheeks as she screamed at him. He reached out to hold her but she slapped him hands away. “I came here to comfort you. I didn’t come here to talked to like this. I came here, Lindsey Buckingham, for you. To repay part of my debt.” “What debt?” Lindsey whispered. “What debt? My debt to you is everything. If it hadn’t been for you, I wouldn’t have found my voice. Without you, I wouldn’t have found the courage to drop out of college and follow my dreams. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to get over AJ’s death. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to get through Robin’s illness or death because you came to me every time I asked you to. And without you…” “What? Without me what?” Stevie held Lindsey’s face and tenderly kissed him. “Without you… I would have never known what true love feels like.” Their foreheads touched and they stayed like that for what seemed like hours, their eyes closed. “Is this it then?” Lindsey asked, opening his eyes. Stevie opened hers and kissed him tenderly. “I can’t do this anymore, Lindsey. I can’t do it to you and I can’t do it to me.” Lindsey sighed and removed Stevie’s hands from his face. He handed Stevie her dress and pulled his robe around him, standing up. “You can – er – let yourself out. Your driver should be here. I’ll leave your shawls and boots at the bottom of the stairs.” Stevie watched as Lindsey left her in the rain room, the tears flowing steadily down her cheeks, matching the ‘rain’ that continued to fall around her. She got dressed and walked to the door. Taking one last look up the empty staircase, she whispered, “I love you, Lindsey. Forever.” With that, Stevie left Lindsey for the forth time, breaking his fragile heart again.