The Outcast Rebellion
Author: Joel Duggan
Username: JWGDuggan
Status: Ongoing
Synopsis: "Billeus stood there on the spot, waiting for his sentence to be passed. After minutes of waiting, the king opened his mouth to speak in a booming voice. "I, King Nevras of the Clan Verendus, Lord of the Bellador Kingdom, Ruler Over It's People and Kraken of the Islands, sentence you with the power vested in me to a lifetime of banishment upon the Araknar Island where you shall repent for your sins in it's dark depths. You will be granted an escort of five men to reach the island, five of my own King's Men. You will have nothing to take with you on the journey apart from a small bag full of religious items so you can become reconciled with the gods. Good luck on your journey and may the gods have mercy on your soul."
Billeus is a normal man. A blacksmith and occasional soldier, he lives the ordinary life of a peasant in the Bellador Archipelago. His life is changed suddenly when three King's Men attempt to rob his small smithy. He is forced to kill them all with help from his apprentice. Charges are pressed against him for their murder by the king and he is a newfound symbol of rebellion for the smallfolk of the kingdom. In a biased trial, he is found guilty and banished to the Island, a fate worse than death itself.
As a Fantasy lover, I would add this story to my reading list based on the synopsis. However, not many other people will. It is in my opinion that the synopsis is a little too long and gives the whole plot away. Now, since there’s not much chapters yet, I cannot properly know the entire plot. But it feels that way. When quoting lines from one’s own book, I suggest making it pivotal and highly interesting, not to mention short. Don’t forget mystery! While the story may not be a mystery, the synopsis should have that aloof feeling. That feeling will attract readers.
Now, this is where the author of The Outcast Rebellion can throw a book at me. As I was reading the first chapter, I realized why the synopsis gives so much away. If you read the synopsis, the whole first chapter will make complete sense. The first chapter lacked some important details that could be filled with the information from the synopsis.
There’s a nice touch of humor and interesting events, but there are times when events are predictable. For example (and this the only one,)
‘I could make my escape… With that, Billeus charged his way right into the angry mob.’
Leading up to that line, it is a little obvious he will use the crowd as a mean of escaping. I suggest to just taking out that thought and leave it with, ‘Seeing his chance, Billeus charged his way right into the angry mob.’
I noticed that the author received a comment stating that there could have been a better hook, and I agree with that. However, it works just fine.
A huge issue with Fantasy stories is the amount of information. There are tons and tons of details in an author’s imaginary world, but it can prove challenging to put it all on paper. This author does a fair job with detail in this department.
In the second chapter, I see much more character development. It makes me happy to know more of Billeus. I hope to know more later. There is another point I would like to make related to this issue, but I will come back to it.
It can be slightly annoying when three people, in any setting whether it is in reality or on paper, are all saying the same thing. I say this for Chapter 2, when all the people are yelling ‘The doors are open!’
Since this is my problem too, I understand why an author will repeat a sentence in different context. We do it because one, it makes sense, two, we try to make our writing as realistic as possible.
Not everyone will see it this way, they will only see annoying.
Back to character development and the story as a whole.
Some people cannot comprehend just how difficult it is to write in third person. I’ve tried, countless times, and still have no idea how some people do it so effortlessly. A huge issue when writing 3rd person can be emotional involvement. Authors want readers to be immersed in the reading; if they can’t do this, no one will be happy.
While the story is fantastic, it lacks the pull to immerse readers in the text. There can be multiple factors. It may be that it’s not long enough, detailed enough ( or detailed too much), or something as little as word choice. I think the problem here is a very essential question. Why?
Why are the people angry at their king? (This issue is only addressed briefly.)
Why are the wizards so important?
Why is this island so much worse than death?
Why is Billeus Billeus? (I hope that makes sense.)
Here is a life saver when reading this and another reason for the author to throw something heavier than a book at me. It’s only two chapters! There’s more to come!
What I’m trying to say is that all those Why’s can be addressed in later chapters in a really awesome way. I hope the author understands what I’m trying to say and takes this as constructive criticism.
His story still deserves to be read.
The Outcast Rebellion has a solid performance. Good characters. Good idea. Good grammars and conventions. Now, make it amazing because I know this author has that potential.
I rate The Outcast Rebellion a 3 out of 5, and hope that this rating will go up as more chapters are added.
¤WickedMindz¤
