Intertwined.
Author: K.D. Kasto/ Kallison
Username: kalliellek
Status: Ongoing.
Synopsis: Three words.
Three specific words changed my life, and so did the person who uttered them . It simply wasn't that I didn't want to hear these words, it's just that it was too soon. Too soon to love someone, too soon to know them like you know your self, and also too soon to lose them. I can still picture him; his black hair, green eyes, and his lopsided shy smile. I can still feel his kisses, and his soft touch. But the hardest thing to forget is the memories, our memories.
We didn't know what we were, but we knew we weren't human. We were both hidden in the dark for so long that when. . . When THEY came for us. . . We weren't ready.
My name is Elizabeth Marie Rain, and given to very unfortunate events, I found out I'm a Astrid.
First off for this fantasy romance, what a wonderful synopsis! It gives a great overview that shows intense emotion. But this rose has a great thorn in its side. That is the sentence 'When THEY came for us…'
And I will say this now, as it seems to be a problem throughout, when trying to put emphasis on a word, it is better to use italics. Large, all capital letters are for when the volume of the speaker is at screaming point and beyond.
Also, it doesn't need the extra when before 'When they came for us...'
I love the last sentence of the synopsis!
However… the magic does not continue to the first chapter.
The first chapter has many errors concerning word choice, sentence fluency, and grammar. All of which, I will point out later. First, I will point out the things I did like in the first chapter.
- The epigraph, I had to Google what it was exactly, but it's a lovely poem to start with and sets the theme.
- Good first sentence, it is an excellent hook.
- The main love interests enters in a soft, romantic, but mysterious way. His description and their chemistry is well depicted.
- There is nice flow between scenes and how they come together to provide a good background before the real story begins.
- Providing instant wonder seems to be a strongpoint in this author's writing as she creates the 'dreamscape' at certain points of the story.
Now on to the problems:
- The review of the synopsis isn't really needed, all that is added are two sentences. On this point, one of the most irritating things an author can do is say, 'here is my story.' Try to make it more original as that.
- The first few sentences are great, the following sentences are slightly confusing and repetitive. This is an easy clean up.
- Again, there are many problems concerning conventions, especially commas. For example, 'You can't even tell it's a fence it's that covered with vines so thick you can't see most of it.' While I understand that most commas are properly placed, there are these sentences that irk me.
- While detail is fair, word choice could go a long way to enhancing the reading.
- Writing style is something to be worked on. I believe it needs some maturing in the first chapter. However, the author may have written in that style for a reason.
- Another thing that is open to debate is use of the word 'like.' This problem is seen only once, which makes me think this was an accident. When using the word 'like' in writing, there is only a few reasons why it should be there with purpose. Those are: to properly show a character's voice during narration, when used for comparison, or in dialogue to add realism. If the character is super girly, annoying, naive, or all three, then use of the word 'like' is appropriate to show character. However, if that is the case, it must be consistent. In this particular sentence, 'Which is a terrible idea 'cause I almost trip like seven times,' the word 'like' is not needed. The same effect can be made by changing seven to several. 'Which is a terrible idea 'cause I almost trip...several times,' sounds much better.
Overall, the first chapter is okay. The second chapter is much better, and has less things for me to nitpick.
There is a fantastic change in the voice of the main character due to her memory loss. That change makes her more believable. The chemistry between the characters is also believable and word choice is much improved in the second chapter. Another fantastic thing is how the author combines the fantasy world and the real world. Hence the title, Intertwined.
Intertwined is actually very creative and original. The flow of events is perfectly paced.
The only thing stopping me from loving this, is the need of improvement. This author has great potential and can grow immensely over time. I hope she will continue to pursue writing as her ideas are well thought out.
Regardless, I must rate this a 2.5 out of 5.
¤WickedMindz¤
