He Was My Cousin

Chapter 1

Chapter 1
Unfair

I stirred my hot mocha as I watched people pass by the coffee shop. Ito ang pinakagusto kong pwesto, 'yong high chair at nakaharap sa labas. So that I could be lost in my thoughts without people giving a damn about it, so I could watch as people around me move forward with their lives.

Sanay na ako nang ganito. Alone. I had lived in the US for four years by myself: the first two years for my masters program in New York, nine months spent for my research in Boston, and another year and a quarter working full time in California. Sa umpisa ay nahirapan ako, ngunit nang magtagal ay nasanay na rin ako. I loved the comfort it gave me, being alone. Malaya kong nagagawa ang mga gusto ko at malaya rin akong maging kung sino ako. It gave me a breather. It gave me time to find the self I have lost. Ngayon, alam ko na ang destinasyon ko. Malinaw na ang gusto ko sa buhay. And I wouldn't entertain any stopovers along the way.

I was in deep thoughts when I heard my cell phone ringing. "Aya," sabi ng isang pamilyar na boses nang sagutin ko ang tawag na iyon. A wide smile immediately conquered the corners of my lips.

"Lizel!" I excitedly said.

Narinig ko ang pasinghap niya. "Kung hindi ko pa tinanong kay Tita, I wouldn't even know. Gosh, I hate you! It's been years and you're giving me this kind of treatment? Wow," she said. Napakagat ako ng labi ko. I intended to tell her. I swear. Naunahan na naman ako ni Mama!

Sa loob ng apat na taon na nasa ibang bansa ako ay hindi ko nagawang umuwi ng Pilipinas kahit man lang upang magbakasyon. Maayos ang naging buhay ko roon. I met a lot of people from different walks of life. Natuto ako sa buhay. Matiwasay ko ring natapos ang masters degree ko. Sa totoo lang, at one point, naisip kong doon na lang tumira. I thought of just telling my parents to migrate there so I could be with them. At doon mag-umpisa kaming muli. But I realized my life was still in the Philippines, our family business was here too. Leaving it all here would be like laying all the cards left.

Tumawa ako. "No, Liz! You don't hate me, you miss me."

"Ewan ko sa'yo," pagtatampo ni Liz.

I almost shrieked when I suddenly felt someone poking my shoulder. Napasapo ako sa dibdib ko. It was Lance. Agad siyang umupo sa tabi ko. I saw him mouthed, "Sino 'yan?" pertaining to the person I was talking to. I rolled my eyes and shrugged him off. This guy's really nosy!

"I had papers to settle, that's why I didn't have the chance to tell you I came back," I said to Liz, not minding Lance who's intently looking at me. Hindi man lang niya i-try itago nang kaunti 'yong pagiging chismoso niya. I then took a sip from my mocha. Agad kong pinunasan ng tissue ang gilid ng labi ko. "Gusto ko muna kasi sanang ayusin 'yon."

"And what is that?" I could almost imagine her arched eyebrows.

Sumulyap ako sa brown envelope sa gilid ng shoulder bag ko. "My school," I proudly said. I have been settling this since the first day I came back. Ito naman kasi talaga ang dahilan kung bakit umuwi na ako.

Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit ko kasama si Lance ngayon. He promised before leaving New York after our graduation that he'd help me. Dapat kasi ay kasama siya sa research ko, pero hindi na rin niya nagawa dahil may Return Service Agreement siya dahil nga paaral ng gobyerno. So we settled we'd just be partnering on this. Hindi ko rin alam kung kaya kong i-pursue ito kung hindi dahil sa kaniya.

"You're really doing it?"

"Yup! Of course. Actually, I already found two probable sites. Pupuntahan namin iyon this week," I confirmed.

My plans were already laid beforehand. I have almost plotted the next ten years of my life. Natutunan kong kailangan ay alam ko ang gusto ko. So there wouldn't be diversions or whatnot. Straight to where I was supposed to be. Walang hadlang, walang tigil. Because I owe myself this much. Ito na lang ang tanging maibibigay ko sa sarili ko kapalit ng kasalanan ko. The sin of depriving myself happiness.