Clandestine

seventy three

-diane-

When I wake up in the morning, Julia is already awake. Kristy brought an inflatable air mattress up from the basement and blew it up for Julia. Then she gathered all the extra pillows and blankets in the house. As a result, Julia slept in a nest last night.

Julia stares up at the ceiling. her eyes filled with tears. Her cheeks are wet.

I know I should ask what's wrong. But I have a lot of guess to choose from.

I can't imagine what she's going through. After defending and protecting her mother for so long, she discovered that her mother loved her secrets more than she loved her.

She's going to have to see her mother today while she betrays her. She's going to save her mother's enemy.

Julia catches me watching her and forces a smile. She wipes away the tears on her face and pretends that she was never crying. I don't know why she is always pretending not to feel the emotions that she does.

She says, "Sorry, if I woke you up." She couldn't have woken me up. She was lying completely still, tears silently running down her cheeks. But she says this because she's polite. She was raised to constantly check that she isn't being a bother, that she doesn't create any problems.

I shake my head and climb out of bed. "Would you like some breakfast? Kristy probably went to work, but we might be able to find something in the kitchen."

Julia nods and we stumble out into the kitchen. Kristy and Andrew have already left for work by now and Austin is probably at school.

Even though Kristy had to go to work early this morning, she left a note on the counter. It reads: Good morning! There are muffins in the oven. They are ready, just in there to stay warm for you. Enjoy! Be home at 5.

Julia smiles and opens the oven door. The smell of chocolate chip muffins wafts over us.

Julia says, "You know, Kristy really cares about you."

I feel my cheeks flush. "I know. It's just...I don't know how to talk to her. I don't know how to show her how grateful I am that she's letting me live here. I'm so afraid that I'm going to offend her or say something wrong, that I can't even speak at all."

"Maybe you should just tell her that. I think that she is the one who is worried about what you think of her."

I frown. "Why would she think that?"

"Whenever she tries to ask you something or get you involved in the conversation, you answer with the shortest answer possible. And then you turn away."

"Because I'm terrified." I say.

Julia says, "Maybe I should talk to her for you."

I shake my head, "I can do it myself."

"But will you do it? Because if you don't do it soon, it's just going to get worse and worse."

I snap. "I don't think it matters that much right now, Julia. If I survive tonight, we can discuss my social skills as much as you want."

Julia nods and quietly apologies. "Do you...do you have a plan? How are we going to stop my mother. If we escape tonight, that doesn't mean that the problem is going to stop. It's just going to keep going and going until..."

"Until I don't get lucky." I've thought about this too much. It's going to be a long, endless battle until one of us gives up.

Julia says, "You don't think...you don't think we should...we can't. We can't kill her."

I stare at her. We can't kill her. Right? Because if we do, we are nothing but the monster she is. I can't kill Julia's mother and she certainly can't kill her.

But if we don't kill her, how will we stop the problem? The police won't believe us. What other options do we have?

Julia breaks down into tears and I wonder if this isn't the thing that she was crying about earlier. "I know this sounds kind of ridiculous. But maybe it doesn't. I don't know. I just don't want my mother to die. I know that she killed someone and that she should go to jail for that, if not die. I don't know. I know this, but she's still my mother. Just the fact that she killed someone, that doesn't erase the memories of her reading me a bedtime story or taking me to the zoo. And for that one bad thing, there's a thousand of good things. And I'm not trying to say that it is okay that she killed your father. Because it's not. It's totally not okay and it's horrible and I'm sorry. But she's still my mother. Maybe the woman of today isn't my mother, but there's still all my memories of her in the past. And I don't want her to die. Or the memories. Whatever it is. I don't think I can kill her. I just...I can't."

I don't know what to say to the sobbing girl across from me. "We aren't going to kill her. I never planned to do that."

She sniffles, "And I don't want her to die, but what if it's for the best? Because she has power. What if she convinces the guards to let her out of jail. There's going to be a court case if we try to arrest her..and I know that she'll probably get out of that too. Sh can talk or bribe or smile her way out of the punishment. What if it is best for her to die? What if she deserves to die? She killed your father and ruined your life. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know..."

She angrily brushes the tears out of her eyes and then starts to laugh. "This is ridiculous. I'm ridiculous. I don't know what to chose and I'm driving myself sick. What do I do?"

I stare at her, trying to come up with something to say. Because what she is saying makes perfect sense and I don't know what the right choice is.

I grab a muffin from the stove, "I guess you could start by eating this."

She laughs and hugs me. Her tears drop on my neck and I hold her tight.

She sniffs, "I'm real glad I came to that party, you know that?"

I laugh and say, "I'm glad you came too."