Clandestine

sixty four

-julia-

My mother barges back into my room.

She's seething mad.

A vein bulges in her neck. He cheeks turn a bright red. Her fingers are clenched into knuckle white fists.

I presume she watched the rest of the videos and saw that I have been working with Diane.

I calmly continue putting my things in my suitcase. She doesn't hold any more power over me. I've lost any sense of loyalty. There's nothing left now.

"Who do you think you are?" She whispers.

I don't say anything. I know enough not to.

"Why would you betray your mother like that?"

I don't look up. I just fold over my shirt and set it into the bottom of the suitcase.

"Do you realize what you have done?"

I grab a pair of socks and set them in my suitcase.

"I had so many people to fear, and I never thought it would be my daughter. I didn't think my daughter would betray me, and to the family enemy no less."

A hairbrush is put in the side pocket.

"You realize that I know everything. I know every little despicable thing you did to ruin my life, to ruin me. Do you realize that?" Her voice is getting louder. Perhaps being quiet was not the best response.

"Do you realize that?"

I glance up and realize what a mistake that was. Against her flushed cheeks, tears glow in her eyes. I swallow. I want anger. not tears. I don't know if I can handle tears.

One slips out of her eye. "You ruined me, Julia. You ruined your own mother."

She turns away and begins walking towards the door.

"I..." My resolve weakens for a second and I'm afraid that my mother is going to leave and I'm not going to see her again before she sends me to Bovenhaven. I will never get to...

She turns around and the tears are gone. It was an act. To make me feel bad.

My resolve strengthens.

"What?" She snaps.

"Nothing."

She advances back on me and I know I should have never spoken. If only, if only, I had kept quiet.

She says, "I actually don't want to leave just yet. I want to talk about this. I want to know what led you to betray me."

"I need to get packed." I say.

Wrong response.Wrong, wrong response.

"You won't tell your own mother why you betrayed her." Her voice is a screech. Fingernails on a chalkboard. "I just don't understand."

"Maybe you don't understand because you don't want to."

She spits, "Don't you do that psychology crap on me. Just shut up and listen."

"I thought you wanted me to talk."

She slaps me, "All the time you've spent with Diane is starting to show. I don't even recognize you anymore. How many crimes have you committed?"

A laugh bubbles in my throat, "How many crimes have I committed? Just after a few phone calls with Diane, you think I'm committing a bunch of crimes?"

"Wait, you don't have to tell me. I already know you committed one. By hacking into my computer."

I swallow.

"So you told Diane my plans for Wednesday?"

"She figured them out herself."

"She wouldn't have, not without your help."

It's true. And I'm glad I did help her. Otherwise neither of us would have been able to protect her.

She says, "You are leaving in a half an hour. You better be ready. I have a few things to take care of."

I don't want to think about what she has to take care of.

She adds, "One more thing. Where is that disposable phone?"

"Why?"

"Where is it?"

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do."

She whips a knife out of her pocket. She flicks it open and holds it up. "Would you like to play this game, Julia?"

I don't know if she would actually do it. How far she would go.

I say, "It's in the garden. Under a pile of rocks."

"Where?"

"Behind the marigolds."

She flips the knife closed and strides out of the room.