Clandestine

fifty seven

I wake up to the fresh smell of blueberry pancakes. I hesitantly follow my nose out of room, after throwing on a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt. I don't know if Kristy or Andrew have noticed my wardrobe, but they haven't made a comment towards it.

Kristy is in the kitchen, making breakfast. Bacon sizzles in a pan on the stovetop and a pitcher of orange juice waits on the table.

She gives me a smile, despite it still being pretty early in the morning. "Did I wake you up, dear?"

I shake my head, even though she did. I can't be angry that she woke me up by making breakfast after all. I can't think of the last time I had a home cooked breakfast. Both my father and I hated mornings and were horrible cooks.

She sets a plate of towering pancakes in front of me. I drown it in syrup as she sets a cup of orange juice down. I thank her and feel horrible for allowing her to wait on me. She's giving me her home, her food, her time. How will I ever pay her back? Money will never be enough.

Austin stumbles from his room. He pours himself a mug of coffee with half closed eyes and sits down at the table. I don't think he even notices me. He looks like he should still be snoring.

Krisy seats down at the table with two plates. She slides one to Austin before digging into one herself.

She says to Andrew, "You are down awfully early?"

He groans, "I don't want to talk about it. Molly got into her mind that it would so much fun if we went for an early morning strawberry picking at some farm. It's going to be horrible."

"No, it sounds like a lot of fun."

He just sighs, "But why so early?"

The doorbell rings and he groans again. He starts to get up, but the front door opens. Molly hurries inside.

Her voice carries as she walks towards the dining room, "Kristy, I just wanted to let myself in because I doubted that Austin would be up yet and I didn't want to bother you with getting the door..."

She stops and her mouth drops when she sees that Austin is actually awake. She says, "You got up?"

"Yes. But I'm not awake so don't you dare talk to me."

She grins and sits down. "If you aren't awake, I assume I can eat your pancakes?"

He nods and she sits down, shoveling the pancakes into her mouth.

In between mouthfuls, she compliments Kristy on her cooking and keeps up small talk about school and her mother and her job. She does this all with a bright smile on her face.

She's probably the girl that Kristy wants living in her house. The one that can smile easily and compliment and talk and is completely normal and sociable.

Not me.

Molly tries to ask me questions, but I struggle for answers longer than a few words. I end up just answering them as shortly as I can. I appreciate that she is trying to involve me in the conversation. But I don't have the energy. After another night of trying to come up with ideas on how to save my life and coming up clean, I got little sleep.

Eventually Molly gives up and just talks to Kristy. I eat my breakfast in quiet, trying to feel relieved.

She eventually leaves, dragging the half asleep Austin to that strawberry patch. I help Kristy clean up the kitchen. We discuss plans for my education next year, even though it seems so trivial.

How can I be thinking about how I will learn my physics and Spanish when I don't know if I will last past these next three days?

We decide that I will take schooling online. I'm not sure how having an actual education will work out for me. My father was a great teacher and an avid learner. A lot of times we taught ourselves, learning together. Except he didn't exactly follow a system. I speak French, but only as long as we are talking about cars, food, or zoo animals. He had planned to teach me more, but we moved onto another topic. I know everything you could possible know about fractions, but don't ask me to find the area of anything.

He was always talking about how he would write a plan so that I would be able to continue my education when I got some type of college education.

I guess traditional schooling will reveal all the yet to be filled holes my father left behind.

Once the kitchen is cleaned, I escape of to my bedroom. I don't want to become too attached to Kristy. More accurately, I don't want Kristy to become too attached to me. It seems unfair to allow a person to grow close to you when you know you might die.

What will Kristy and Andrew think if I die? Will they mourn my death? Are they close enough to even feel sad?

Do I have anyone who will mourn my death?