Clandestine

thirty four

-julia-

A servant came up to my room with a list of rules from my mother. My mother doesn't want to say that she's grounding me. She's afraid that it will sound like a punishment and she's treading too carefully to do something like that. She says it's to keep the family safe.

I'm not allowed to see my friends for the next week. I don't try to tell her that Carlotta has a really important swim meet this week or that Rosalina and I were supposed to go shopping together later this week so that she could pick out a bunch of new accessories for meeting with her investors.

I'm not allowed to leave the house without my mother's permission, no exceptions.

My mother doesn't want to say it, but she is keeping me holed up in my room for her safety. Now that I know her secret, I could tell anyone. I already half told Diane.

I don't know what my plan is. I don't plan on betraying my mother. After everything my mother has done, she is still my only family. She's all I have in this world and I don't want to lose her.

She's also my support. Without her, I wouldn't have anywhere to stay. I don't know the first thing about owning a home or paying the bills or investing or managing a bank account.

But, more importantly, if my mother was arrested for murder, she would lose her place on the Assembly.

And I would have to replace her.

It makes no sense to turn her in if my life is going to end the second I do. If she's gone, I'll be forced to grow up. I'll have to attend meetings with the Assembly and go to sophisticated parties and talk to adults all day and pretend that I'm mature. I won't be able to go to parties with Carlotta and Rosalina. I won't be able to cheer at Carlotta's swim meets or attend Rosalina's fashion shows. I may not even be allowed to be friends with them. Someone on the Assembly might advise me that they are bad publicity. When someone advises you, that means you have to listen to them. I've learned that much from my mother.

But if I'm not going to turn in my mother, how to I quiet the all consuming pit of guilt in my stomach. I already tried talking to Diane, thinking that would make it better. But adding a face and a name to what used to be 'the daughter of Alan Tinsley' has only made things worse. I think of what my mother did, I see the bullet entering Alan Tinsley, and I think of Diane's face flashing with pain the moment I mentioned her father.

She needs someone. She looked so alone at the party. Scared, almost, though she was trying to hide it. Maybe if she had been intoxicated or dancing or giggling with a group of friends, maybe I wouldn't have such pity on her. Maybe I would think that she wasn't my mother's problem, my problem.

But instead I found her cowering against a wall looking scared and sad.

Maybe I ask what she needs for help, maybe my guilt will go away.

That would be going against my mother's exact wishes. She told me not to talk about her murder and to never talk to Diane again. That would involve breaking both of those things.

There's nothing else I can do. I can't live with this pit of guilt in my stomach for the rest of my life. I have a feeling it won't go away with time, either. It will only grow and grow until it consumes me. I need to do something about it while I still can.

But how will I talk to her? I can't go to another one of her parties. Someone must have seen me there that knew my mother and tattled on me.

Perhaps I could go to her home when no one else is there. I could talk to her privately. She won't have any excuse to not talk to me.

I start to form a plan in my mind. I will need to go there on my own. Obviously I can't take our chauffeur. But how else can I get there?

I can't walk. She lives on nearly the other side of the city. I don't know if I can trust my mother not to keep tabs on Rosalina and Carlotta. If I ask one of them for help, my mother might find out.

I could risk the public bus system, but what if someone that my mother knows sees me? Taxis are just the same.

If my mother has the videos from the jail, what else does she have from the city? Am I ever safe from her watchful gaze?

Despite all the obstacles, I slowly gather a plan to start the second my mother leaves for work tomorrow.