Disarray. Harry Styles

fifteen✨

Week one was spent drinking myself to unconsciousness. Week two was spent consuming every drug I could get my hands on. Week three was the week all the pain returned despite all the stimulants I'd consumed on a daily basis and week four was this week.

This was my fourth week of my imposed stay at Andy's house. This week felt different though. I'd lost the thirst for booze and the craving for narcotics. I stopped taking the things that kept me from feeling bad about welcoming myself into a home that I was not wanted in.

Blood no longer ran through my veins, instead guilt and remorse circulated under my skin.

It was a Tuesday morning that I woke up on the couch to soft giggles. I peered my eyes open. The room was barely lite; the sun wasn't even fully up yet. Crouched on the floor in front of me two kids who I knew to be Leah and Spencer; Andy's kids.

Yesterday, I would have been irritated by their presence but today, I was almost enlightened by them. "What are you kids doing up this early?"

Small gasps escaped them when they realized I was awake.

Leah pipes up. "Mum and Dad say you're dangerous but I don't understand why. You look handsome when you sleep and bad guys are always ugly."

I think about what she says for a good while. I guess that's the stereotype right? That the bad guys are the gnawed, roughed up men and good guys are the attractive ones. It's sad to think that the majority of the time that's a lie. The good guys only look well kept because they take from and use others to get themselves to a higher status and the roughed up guys are the men they stole from.

"Sometimes looks can be deceiving sweetheart." I yawn and and push the blanket off of myself. "Let's get you kids back to bed, okay?"

Each of them grabs one of my hands. Their hands are so tiny in my large, hard ones. I haven't felt a thing for nearly a month, but at this moment I feel their warm palms.

We scuttle up the stairs, trying our best to make as little noise as possible. I tuck Spencer in under his navy blue bedding and close the door behind me as I exit his Avengers themed room. We I get go into Leah's room, she's sitting on the corner of her bed with a book on her lap.

"What you'd have there?" I ask as I sit down next to her.

"It's my favourite book." She holds it up so I can read the cover. Matilda by Roald Dalh.

"Ah, a very wise choice." I remember reading that book as a kid. It was the first book I'd read on my own. I was way too young to understand half of it and I only read it to prove to my sister that I could read a 'big kid's book'. A couple years later I reread it and to this day it's still one of my favourites.

"I like it because Matilda doesn't have a nice life so she makes a new one." Leah looks up at me as though wanting me to add to her comment.

I guess I never thought of it that way. The story of her life isn't being written the way she wants it to be so she takes the pen and writes her own happy ending.

I stare into space for a while and think about that. It makes me feel like even more of a loser for intruding upon this family. Even a fictional character's life is more inline then mine and there's ceases to exist by the end of the book!

"You're a smart kid, has anyone told you that?"

"I'm not that smart. I can't even read yet, daddy has to read this to me. It's ok though because I'm only four years old." She informs me. She says it so matter o-factly that I can't help but smile.

"Trust me, even when you're an old man like me you'll still be learning. It won't take you long to learn that sleep is precious though and that it becomes a rarity as you get older. That being said, lets get you all tucked in. Sound good?"

I pick Leah up, pull her sheets down and lay her back down on her bed. I pull the covers up and make sure that none of the dozens of stuffed animals have fallen from their spots on her bed. When she's all cozy, I kiss her on the forehead and close the door.

I slide down the door until I'm sitting on the floor. I run my hands down my unshaven face. A sigh escapes me as I pinch the bridge of my nose.

For the first time in forever I'm actually sober and everything I've done hits me like a blow to the head. What have a done to this family.

I've imposed the unruly presence which is myself on them and deprived them of the one place that they're supposed to feel secure in.

I was a loaded gun aimed at anyone who tried to defy me. I'm not aware of anyone that's in the business of taking bullets but that doesn't mean I wouldn't give someone the job.

I stand up, an idea in my head. I grab my coat and boots and head out to start my plan.

*   *   *

When I get back to the house, no one has stirred yet. The house is silent. I take this time to get done what I ought to have done weeks ago.

I sit down at the kitchen table and write.

Andy,
Let me start of with this; I'm an odious being and you really didn't deserve to have my presence forced upon you and your family. I was drunk or stoned for the majority of my stay but from what I can remember, you have a lovely wife and are raising bright kids. In fact they're what snapped me out of my haze. I awoke this morning to their laughter and when I brought them back to bed I realized how innocent they were. They've done nothing to merit a punishment like having a disappointment of a man invading their lives. I don't want them to think of you as the man that allowed a monster to haunt their home. I want them to think of you as the man that can handle every situation. I'm more than apologetic for my behaviour and I don't really know how to fix this. I went to the bank this morning and took out all my savings. It's only a couple hundred dollars and I know that you spent more on me but it's all I have.

You know my dad used to tell me that the bottle teaches you bad habits. I think he had it wrong. The bottle's just a bottle; it's your mind that picks up the routine. Somethings are just too hard to kick.

You know, you knew me before I was like this. Would the person I was yesterday be proud of the person I am today? The answer's no. I don't know if I can change that. Maybe I won't be able to, but at least I can say that I tried .

I fold the note and put it in and envelope along with the cash. I place it on the marble counter. I fold the blankets I'd used the previous night and put them in the linen closet. I quietly clean up my mess; making it seem as though I was never there.

I grab the door knob but before I can pull the door open I go upstairs. I open Leah's door and look at her in her slumber. "Sometimes even monsters try to make better decisions." I whisper.

I shut the door and leave the house.
I hope they never see me again.

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Author's notes

HOLY SHIT THIS STORY HAS OVER 1000 READS!1!1!?? There are so many other writers that deserve those reads more then I do and you have no idea how grateful I am to have them. You guys are truly amazing. You support this story even when I take forever to update and that means the world to me. Thank you so much. I love you all!!
-Allyson