Disarray. Harry Styles

fourteen✨

It had been a week since I told Kristen about my morbid past. Shame was an understatement for how I felt. To be honest, I can't even think of a word that would do justice to how I'm feeling.

The thing that sucks the most about it all is that she can still look me in the eye. She holds my gaze just as she always did. People don't realize that when people avoid you, the guilt doesn't feel as thick. You only feel the pressure when there next to you but, when they stare you in eye as if silently begging you to erase your sins....The feeling is worse than that of drowning.

I want her to yell at me. I want her to slap me across the face. I want her to call me a monster. But she doesn't. The fact that she manages to treat me like a human that deserves respect makes me even more disgusted with myself. I deserve nothing.

I want her so badly to be mad at me. I wan her to see that I'm not a good person. I want her to comprehend that people don't change and that although I may seem like an exception, I most definitely am not.

I had the ability to take people's last breaths once and that ability will never go away. I just simply learned that I don't want to take the air from people's lungs.

I feel like my lungs are balloons and someone's squeezing them, making it so hard to inhale or exhale. I know she means well but, her gentle kindness and capability to look past my faults is eating me away. I feel trapped in my own rooting skin, I wonder if this is how it feels to die.

My lungs finally burst.

The next place I find myself is standing in front of a bar: Brass. I haven't been here in quite awhile; since I was with Reid. Far from my own home yet still near enough to stumble home drunk. Today seems like a good night for bad decisions; I open the door and step in.

Whether a week or a year of my absence from this place, my presence still holds a certain authority, actually more like fear. Two men get up from my table in the back of the room and make there way to another table in the musky bar.

The bar tender comes up to me with my usual, whiskey. I'm somewhat impressed that nothing has changed at all in this place. They're all still my puppets.

My subconscious is screaming at me to get the hell out of here. It's telling me that I'm better than the substance in the bottle. I disagree. I take a swig. I don't even grimace at the burning sensation it sends down my throat.

Tonight's a goodnight to fall back into bad habits.

* * *

When I come to I'm exactly where I last remember. Beams of light shine through the window plans indicating that it's now morning. I'm sitting at my table in the back of the now empty bar.

Two aspirins and a glass of water are placed in front of me. My bones are stiff but I still feel warm from the alcohol. Everything is quiet except for the clink of glasses being put on a shelf. The bar tender is behind the bar, cleaning.

My voice is so deep and raspy when I speak that I barely recognize it as my own. "Yo...Greg...no..yo whatever they call you?" I never did give a crap to actually learn his name.

He looks up at me, stops what he's doing and comes over to me. "Yes Harry, what can I get you sir?"

I smile at him. I did miss how much control I had over all these people. They're almost like servants. "I can't go back to my house like this, my girl will kill me. Take me to your house. Now."

"Harry I have ki..." I don't let him finish.

"I don't care. Your place. Right now. Or I'll just have to teach you another lesson." I threaten.

He doesn't have a choice. Well actually he does but they're equally bad things to choose from. Not like I care.

The bar tender takes me to his car and we drive into this pretty old looking sector of town. He pulls up to this small, cookie cutter style house. He walks up to the door but before he unlocks it, he turns to me. He opens his mouth, about to say something but then shuts it as if he decided against it.

He unlocks the door. The first thing I notice is that the place is actually really nice despite its ugly exterior. It's furnished with fairly new furniture and everything is tidy. The second thing I notice is the smell of food being cooked.

"Andy is that you honey?" I hear a women's voice call from the kitchen. I petite blond comes into view and looks surprised when she notices that her husband is not alone. She's probably more so surprised that the man standing next to her husband is also hungover.

"Natalie this is Harry. Are the kids awake yet?" The panic in his voice gives me a slight pleasure.

"That's..Oh my...No they're not up yet." I can see the panic spread through her body as she realizes who I am. I guess her hobby must have told her about me. I'm flattered.

Her husband moves towards her and guides her into the kitchen. I follow. We sit around the table.

"So you're Harry?" she questions.

"Evidently, yes I am" I smile back at her.

"Please tell me what we did to you to deserve you to still deserve your punishment? This is supposed to be over. Your gang's in jail but we didn't do that to you. Why us?" She practically begs for an answer.

"You didn't do anything. I just need a place to stay and you're easy to force into things. I haven't done anything bad in like forever and I won't do anything bad to you if you just cooperate with me. All I want is for you to let me stay here until I wish to go home."

"Can't imagine why you wouldn't have your own house." The women laughs. Her husband gives her a glare as if saying to shut the fuck up.

"We have two kids. If they so much as tell me that you gave them a dirty look, I will have the cops here to take you away before you know it." The dude says through gritted teeth.

"And my name is Andy."

I'm amused with his attempt to act tough and the slightest bit intimidating.

Two little kids come running into the room. A boy that looks around three years old and a girl that looks maybe a year older. They both look just like their mother with their bleached blond hair.

I clap my hands once and rubs my callused palms together. "So what's for breakfast?"

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Author's notes

MADE IN THE AM CAME OUT TODAY AND IT'S SO FUCKING AMAZING AHHH

Yeah so how do you guys like badass Harry Styles?! I plan on having Mr. Styles thrown into his old ways for a while so be prepared!

I also changed the cover for this story and it's simple but I like it so much more than the last one.

Let me know in the comments what you think of MITAM and if you like my new cover? It would also be super kinda really cool if you could like maybe vote hehe.

Love you guys so much,
-Ally