Comforter

Time to Let Her Know

It was a restless night and made worse by Mike and Jason keep knocking at my door. I had heard them calling for Billie too and knew that he was as awake as I was. The hotel finally became quiet after midnight and I was left alone with my thoughts. I wondered how Billie was feeling... was he upset? Was he still angry with me? Did he regret all of this?
There was only one way to find out, but I couldn't face him. I didn't want to face anyone.
I thought about Mike. He would have told Jason by now... who knows how far it had gotten? What if my wife knew already? I had to call her... I had to let her know before she found out through somebody else...

I found her number on my phone and, after dialing and instantly hanging up a number of times, I let the phone connect.
"Hello?" Sara's voice answered at the other end of the phone.

"Hey, it's me."

"Hey, stranger." I could hear the smile in her voice, "would it kill you to call me once in a while? I know you have a busy and exciting life, but come on."

"Yeah, I know... sorry."

There was a short pause, "is everything okay?"

I sighed. I couldn't bring myself to say it... how could I tell her I had someone else? I cleared my throat, swallowed, tried to dampen my dry lips with my tongue, but the words wouldn't form in my mouth.

"Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm still here... listen I... I need to talk to you about something."
There was silence at the other end of the phone and I took that as a cue to continue. "It's about me... I..." I let out a shaky sigh once again, "I just want you to know that I love you and I never did this to hurt you. The last thing I want is for you to feel like I did this on purpose, okay? It just happened and I need to tell you because this involves both of us."

"What are you trying to say?" She squeaked.

"I'm trying to tell you that I've done something terrible and I need to tell you so we can try and sort something out or... at least move past it if-"

"Have you been cheating on me?"
My lack of communication must have confirmed to her that, yes, I has been cheating and her voice was raised when she next spoke. "How could you do that? After everything you've said to me, all those times you assured me that I was the only one for you and that you love me-"

"-I do love you-"

"-oh, yeah right! You just couldn't wait to go could you? How many times have you done this when you've been on tour?"

"A few times." I admitted, closing my eyes to block out some of the world while I tried to think straight.

I heard a rather hysterical laugh come from the phone before she hung up. I called her back seven times before she answered.
"What!" She snapped.

"Let me explain-"

"Explain? Explain what? You got bored of me and fucked some other woman, or women; whatever, it doesn't matter does it?"

"Sara." I said calmly.

"What."

"It's not like that. I... I think I'm gay?" The sentence raised at the end, lingering as a question rather than a comment.
She didn't reply for a long time, but finally asked, "what?"

"I think I'm gay." I repeated, feeling ashamed. "It's Billie. That's the other person," I pressed my temple with my free hand, "and I'm so sorry... but I couldn't explain before. It was too messed up and I love you so much, but it just sort of happened... I'm sorry, Sara."
She hung up.

I kept the phone pressed to my ear as if trying to will her voice back, but there was no response. When I finally released the phone it was only because a knock at the door made me jump and I dropped it.
I looked to the door, then to the phone that was now lying on the carpet.
No going back now.