Comforter

I Can't Stand it Anymore

I stopped dead in my tracks and froze. Had I heard him right? Did he just say... he loved me? No, he couldn't have... It must have been about someone else... but no one else was here... was he talking to me?
I turned slowly until I was staring into his sad eyes. "What?"

"I..." he cleared his throat, "I said I love you..." his head dropped and his whole body slouched as if he was trying to shrink away from everything.

"What?" I said again, struggling to find the words, "why? When? What...?" I blinked, "have you been drinking?"

"You know what, forget it, just don't worry about it, forget I said anything." He closed his eyes and went to sit on his bed.

"Are you joking? Forget what you said? I think something like that is kinda memorable, don't you?" I couldn't take my eyes off him, not meaning to stare but unable to do anything else.

"I just want to be able to move on, Tré, but I can't... ever since we kissed that night, you know? When we had that party and Jason passed out in the garden?"

I shook my head, "Billie, that was fucking years ago! Why, for Christ's sake, haven't you said anything?"

"I thought that it would go away, but you know what, it just hasn't... I don't know how I can stand it anymore..." he rested his head in his hands. "I'm sorry, but I just can't keep it to myself any longer."

I sat on the bed next to him, desperately thinking of a response. "Wow... I don't know what to tell you, Bill... I'm flattered, you know? But-"

He cut me short with a groan, "just stop. Please, I can't... I can't take that..." I could see his face was crumpled with agony from my words, and I hated myself for having to tell him that I couldn't go through with it, but he had to realise that we couldn't be together.

"-but" I continued, "we have families. There are people waiting for us back home that love us very much, and we can't throw that away, can we?"

He was silent for a while, knowing I was right but not wanting to admit it.
He didn't move at all and just said in a flat tone; "I know."

The way he had spoken was without tone and so out of character that it almost made me feel sick. He sounded like a completely different person and I regretted setting him straight. He didn't move and neither did I; I didn't know whether to stay or go, so just sat awkwardly next to him until he spoke. Unfortunately he didn't speak for a good 5 minutes which seemed to last three lifetimes.
"I'm sorry."

Again, he didn't sound himself and my heart went out to him. I actually considered just saying 'fuck it' and kissing him there and then, but a sympathy kiss just wouldn't do it. I really had to make up for this one, and I didn't know how.
"I'm sorry... I don't know what to say. I hope we can still be friends."

He rubbed his face and looked up at me. He gave a quick, thin smile before letting his face drop again, the disappointment clouding his expression. "Yeah, sure, Tré."

"You do understand that I'm not trying to hurt you, don't you? You're my best friend and I want you to be happy, but I have to think of my kids, Bill, and yours too. What would they think?"

He shrugged, "I don't know." That was his way of giving up the argument and giving in to the opposing opinion. I hated it when he did that-it was worse than him trying they be a smart ass.

"Well what do you suggest then? I give up my wife, my children, so I can run off with you? Is that what you want? You want us both to forget our families so we can be together?"

"That's not what I'm saying and you fucking know it!" He snapped.

"So what are you saying? We can't be together and you know it! So don't try and make me feel like shit because I actually love my wife and kids!" I had stood up by then and my hands were bunched into fists. I didn't know what he expected of me and I was shaking with anger. He glared at me for a moment before his face screwed up and he bowed his head. He was soon sobbing and I was left to stand there looking like the bad guy.

Once I had calmed down I sat back on the bed and sighed. "I'm sorry, Billie, Okay? I'm so sorry. I just don't know what you want me to do."
He didn't reply, his face was still buried in his palms and his breathing suggested that he was still crying. I put my arm around him and pulled him closer to me so I could hug him. I put both arms around him while his hands remained over his face and I rested my chin on his head. I took a deep breath. "What are we gonna do?"