Comforter

What Does It Mean?

What the hell was I going to do?! I loved Billie but not like that... True we had been through a lot and done so much together, but having some kind of relationship other than the occasional night on tour was completely out of the question. We had our own lives back home, our own families, how could I explain to them?
I was still hugging my scruffy haired friend but I could tell it was growing uncomfortable and let him go. 
He sniffed and wiped his eyes with the back of his hand.
"I'm sorry, Tré. I didn't mean to put you on the spot. If you want to go now then I won't stop you. I'll be fine, I'll act normal again and we can get back to the way we were before. I don't mind."

"You clearly do." I tilted my head, "I don't want to leave you like this. We need to talk it all out, I don't know where to go from here."

He shrugged, "and you think I do?"

I looked at the ground then back to him. "Bill, don't take this the wrong way, but you miss Adrienne, you miss the kids, don't you think this will all go away when you get back home? When-"

"-No." He said firmly, staring straight into my eyes, "it won't go away."

"But you love them-"

"-and I love you, Tré. But the thing is... I don't love my wife in the same way I love you... I... I just can't love her like that."

"I don't understand..." I frowned.

"I know we've been together for a long time, but since you and I have 'been together' I've realised that I... I might not be bi after all... I might not even... like women... I just thought I did."

I looked back to the floor. "Have you spoken to her about this?"

"No" he shook his head, "you're the first."

I'd like to say I was flattered but I was too terrified to even think about that. I didn't know what to say to him, what to do... All I wanted was to be able to run away and hide while I figured it all out.

"I know it's a lot to put on your shoulders, I just needed to tell you."

I nodded slowly.

"There's something else too."

I almost groaned and just about managed to catch my breath in time. "Yeah?"

"All those times we did... stuff... well, I wasn't exactly drunk..."

"What? So you basically took advantage of me?" I blinked, suddenly embarrassed that he had total recollection of the nights whereas I did not.

"No! It wasn't like that! I mean, it wasn't every time I was sober, just most of them... and I had to let you know because I've been feeling awful about it... I didn't want it to be like that... and besides, that's not the point I wanted to make, what I was trying to say was; most of those times it was you that started it-you that kissed me, so you can't be totally against it."

"I was pissed!"

"But if anything you're more likely to carry out actions you want to make when you're drunk, so-"

"-Billie, I'm sorry but-"

"-and what was last night then? We were both sober and you let it happen! In fact, we went further than we had when we were drunk! What does that mean Tré?!"

I was speechless. I didn't have an answer because I had no idea. I hadn't even thought about it when I had kissed him last night, it just seemed normal. It seemed comfortable and familiar, as if I was at home with my girlfriend. Why? Surely it should feel different than that... shouldn't it?

"Well?" Billie was looking desperately at me, his eyes still sparkling with tears.

"I..." I shook my head, "I don't know..."
We sat for a long time before I cleared my throat, "you need to call home and explain all of this."

"No! What will Add-"

"If she loves you, she will understand. You can't pretend to be something you're not, Bill. Okay? It's not right."