I woke up with a smile on my face. Last week Matt told me he had made arrangements to come and visit me for out day off. I was ecstatic. Tomorrow was our day off and I couldn't wait. I hope this day goes by fast. What makes it even better, I feel like its about time I tell Austin about Matt, but i'll wait till tomorrow when Matts with me to tell him.
"Why are you smiling?" Alan eyes my weirdly as I got some cereal, the guys stopping their conversations to watch me.
"Can't I smile?" I pour the milk it, the sizzling noise making my stomach growl.
"It's morning. You're not allowed to smile." Phil narrowed his eyes at me. I roll mine taking my bowl and taking a seat by Aaron.
"Is it really a crime to smile in the morning?" I shove a spoon full of fruit loops into my mouth, satisfying my stomach.
"For you, yes." Austin said.
"Well, i'm just happy because you ALL are going to meet someone very special to me." I beamed. I could have sworn I say Alan's face drop. Shrugging it off I continue to eat my cereal. I don't know why but I didn't once think about throwing up, for once my stomach felt empty and I hated it. Downing the cereal, my stomach still rumbling. All those days of not eating are catching up to me man, I swear. Going for another bowl, letting the guys banters and conversations be like music to me I eat happily, in peace. Once finished with that bowl I STILL felt hungry.
Frowning I pry the fridge door open staring into the coldness. Lets see... Left overs, left overs, left overs, milk, orange juice (gross), water, beer, monsters, vodka, cheese, ham, bread.. Whoa whoa. Sammich! And yes we keep our bread refrigerated, the bread will last longer. Taking out the ingredients I head back for my spot laying out the materials. Not even caring to get a plate, knowing it'll just be in my hand most of the time, I lay out two pieces of bread. Opening the cheese I slap two slices on each bread slice. Opening the ham, I plop four hams, two on each. Folding one end onto the other I grin in delight. Lifting the Sammich to my mouth, i'm about to take a bit when everyone stopped talking all eyes on me. With the Sammich half in my mouth I mumble,
"Wha?"
"That is the third thing i've seen you eat... The most I've seen you eat in a time spam of 30 minutes." Aaron stares at me weirdly, as if I was a stranger sitting in his tub.
"A-are you okay Kat? Or can I even call you that?" Austin feels my forehead, checking to make sure if I had a temperate. Rolling my eyes I take a bite of my delicious Sandwich.
"Aus, i'm fine. I'm just really hungry. My stomach literally feels empty." Everyone sighed, as if they've been waiting to hear those words forever.
"I'm glad you're finally starting to eat, but calm it down. Can't upset your stomach eating that fast." Austin pats my head taking his seat back.
"And don't just eat cereal and Sandwiches." Alan threw in, not even looking at me. It's like he's mad at me or something but still tries to warn me and give me advice. What the hell is up with him? Tell me he's not going to give me the silent treatment again. It's hurts, a lot, when he ignores me. Yeah people have ignored me, even Matt has. But it hurts way more when Alan does, and I don't know why.
The rest of the morning went by, with awkward glances as I watch the guys eye me in suspension like I was about to jump out of my seat and start throwing up again. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought of that during that time, but I knew that I was slowly getting better. What's worse though, I notice my scars slowly fading. I can feel it. That sudden urge, that when something's bare you just want to do something with it, make it colourful, brighter, different, just do something to it. That's what I feel at this very moment. I catch my self at random moments while i'm at the merch tent just tapping where my scars are. I hate my self for that. Being so weak that I can't even control my self, I just automatically have to go to the blade. I hate that. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. Being so weak so pathetic. Ugh! I can't stop these stupid fucking thoughts. It's burning to force a smile whilst I work. So many people, so many. I feel my self start to heat up under my skinny jeans and Slipknot tank. My chest rising and falling rapidly. Not now, not now, not now! Calm breath, just breath.
YOU ARE READING
Be My Guardian Angle (Alan Ashby)
Fanfiction"if someone comes into your life to change it for the better.. don't ever let them go." was the last thing my mother said before she died of heart problems. and since then my life has gone down hill, searching for men to love like my mother loved me...
