Interested in some constructive criticism? Want to know what awards I've judged? This is the place where I'm keeping track of informal feedback requests, detailed scoring for awards, full book reviews, and anything else of that nature. If you're int...
Full title: The Gathering Dark by Aravis-Brightspell Source: Blossom Awards 2024 Category: Thriller Mature: N (explicit language) Status: Ongoing Round 1: 36/40 Round 2: Judged by NoelleAnn397
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*****
Round 1 total: 36/40
Title: 10/10 Great title. 'Nough said.
Blurb/synopsis: 8/10 In the second sentence, "could" should be "can," since you're writing in the present tense. I don't think "The catch" is necessary. There hasn't been a reason for us to think this is a strange switch from her usual, since her specialty is interviewing the dead. Otherwise, interesting, but softer than a lot of horror blurbs, leading me to think this story won't be as harsh as some others. If that's what you're intending, great. If not, you might want to consider rephrasing, swapping things around, adding or deleting info, something to create that punchier feel. Short sentences, set off in their own paragraphs, startling changes from one sentence to the next, words with a darker, sharper connotation, things like that.
Cover: 9/10 The only reason this is a 9 is because I think your name stands out too much, overshadowing the title. Decreasing the font size for your name and increasing the font size for the title would probably fix this, although you could consider swapping their positions (title at the top, name at the bottom). Otherwise, love the colors, image, border, font choice, font color, etc. And your little line at the top is legible, which can be a pain to pull off on Wattpad.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 9/10 I skipped the awards chapter, because I don't want my opinion influenced by others, but kudos!
I am not a poet, but I like this. That's kind of all I can say about that. ;)
On to chapter 1.
A content warning about mild explicit language in the blurb would be nice (or strong language, if it gets that way).
There's a missing "me" after the creek of the door ("behind me"), and "in" feels more natural to me than "on" ("froze me in my tracks"). Later, "unhinged" should be "unhinge." "Furnitures" doesn't need to be plural - "furniture" is fine, and it feels more natural, because that's usually sufficient to describe a singular piece of furniture and multiple pieces of furniture. I don't know that I've ever read or heard "furnitures," although that is technically a correct pluralization. "Materializes" should be "materialized," since this is written in past tense.
I'm back and forth about the paragraph length in the first section. It almost feels like they're too short, that almost every line is its own paragraph, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I think merging a few paragraphs here or there would break up the repetition of short, single-line paragraphs.
I've got that same back-and-forth about the section in italics. It doesn't quite feel right at its current location. Putting it further up in the story, to where she was already recalling talking to Sam, and merging it into the present happenings might be better. Of course, this is a style choice, so it's up to you.
On the whole, I love your style, and I like Jessica. She's got spunk. This does have the softer feel I was expecting from the blurb, and I like that. Great job.
