Interested in some constructive criticism? Want to know what awards I've judged? This is the place where I'm keeping track of informal feedback requests, detailed scoring for awards, full book reviews, and anything else of that nature. If you're int...
Full title:The Nameless King by BellOfSilence Source: Blossom Awards 2024 Category: Thriller Mature: Y (blood, death, physical and mental violence/brutality, explicit language, drugs/intoxicants) Status: Ongoing Round 1: 35/40 Round 2: Judged by NoelleAnn397
Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.
*****
Round 1 total: 35/40
Title: 9/10 The only reason this isn't a 10 is "The Seeker Chronicles" on the cover. If this is part of a series, I would recommend putting that in the title, something like, "The Seeker Chronicles: The Nameless King."
Blurb/synopsis: 8/10 I prefer shorter blurbs, but while I don't mind a longer blurb, this feels like too much. It's almost like it's three different blurbs that you couldn't choose between. I'd stick the poem in an intro chapter and use the section after it as your blurb, cutting that first section out entirely, although you could leave it, if you want. Sometimes, a short bit like that is all people look at when they click a book title. Also, as mentioned before, "The Seeker Chronicles." If this book is part of a series, even if it can be read as a standalone, I would expect that info to be in the blurb.
Cover: 9/10 This is good. Great. The colors, the images, the font, text, all that. The only reason this isn't a 10 is the same reason for the title - "The Seeker Chronicles." If this book is part of a series, and you feel that detail is important enough to include on the cover, you should include it in the title and the blurb, too, for consistency.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 9/10 I like your preface. There are a few little errors/nitpicky things I found that I'll point out, but overall, this is great. Although I would recommend putting the content warnings in the blurb, so potential readers can see that right away.
Okay, so the first nitpicky thing, and maybe this is how you want it, but the second section has extra spacing between each paragraph that doesn't necessarily make sense. I would put a space between (low) and horror, and a comma after "Dossiers," and there's a missing "of" in the last sentence of that second paragraph. I don't really understand what you mean by a good and usually fierce core? What does that mean? It just doesn't make sense to me. That whole paragraph, really. It's like you're trying to say the scary bits of myth are less scary than crime, but then the myth part is scarier? I don't know. Like I said, it just doesn't make sense to me. And there's a missing space between the period and the last sentence, and in a later section, "Setting" shouldn't be capitalized.
I love the images. The sepia color palette fits so well with the 1920s setting and, in this particular story, the Egyptian desert setting. Also, the little hieroglyphs at the bottom are adorable.
I'm liking this prologue. There's a few missed spaces between paragraphs, but I love the building tension, the creepiness without horror or gore. Great stuff, and it leaves me wanting more.
So, on to chapter 1.
I don't see the need for the excess spacing between the third and fourth paragraphs. The "actually" is unnecessary in the sentence about paying the locals enough to expect respect, and "back" is unnecessary at the end of the sentence about her missing English rain. "Translates" should be "translated" when she's talking about the mountain's name. In the next paragraph, "are" makes more sense than "were," because I'm sure the springs haven't disappeared since she first saw or heard about them. I think the paragraphs ending in "valuable find" and beginning with "Not only" should be merged, since the second paragraph continues from the same idea as that last sentence of the first paragraph. It just feels like a weird split, and I think it would feel better if the paragraphs were put together. Yes, it's a long paragraph, but that's okay here or there. Later, when she talks about the completion of her journey, "have been made" feels better to me than "are made." But these are all little things, and, speaking as someone who has tried to incorporate letters into stories, you've done a really good job with this. It's not an easy thing to pull off, at least, not for me. I wander into info dumps and levels of description that don't feel natural in the scheme of a letter someone sits down to write, but you've pulled off the perfect amount of detail and info to fill the reader in, while still making it seem natural.
The first sentence of the second paragraph of the second section is awkward and confusing. I'm sure you'll know exactly what I mean when you look at it, and you'll know exactly how to fix it, because it looks like you were doing that, but forgot to cut something out. From my point of view, I think a fix could be something like, "The desert wind made the fabric of her small, square yurt entrance flutter, letting the first rays of morning sunlight inside." But you've got your own style, so do with this what you will. Similar thing with the paragraph ending in the "delicate woman" bit - it looks like you wrote two different endings to the sentence and forgot to cut one out. But, I like this introduction to Arabella, a strong, independent woman in a time when such a thing was frowned upon, and the cliffhanger ending of the possible accident triggers the reader to hit the "next" button. Great job, and great writing.
