In My Opinion

Conversion by lilac_minded

Full title: Conversion by lilac_minded
Source: Blossom Awards 2024
Category: Thriller
Mature: Y (death, gore, violence, blood, explicit language)
Status: Complete
Round 1: 26/40 (did not progress to round 2)

Clicking the "External Link" button below the "Continue to next part" button will take you straight to the book.

*****

Round 1 total: 26/40

Title: 10/10
Great title. Enough said. ;)

Blurb/synopsis: 9/10
The only reason this isn't a 10 is the misspelled word ("ghore" should be "gore"). It really sticks out since it's in all caps and the very first line of the blurb. But, I love the content warning, although I dread what I'm about to read, and the blurb is the perfect length and the perfect balance of spoilers and mysteries.

Cover: 10/10
Great cover. Colors, image, shading, font, text - perfect. I don't have the same problem reading the smaller text on this cover as I did with "Why she kills." You could drop the "By" in front of your name, but that's personal preference.

First chapter (and everything that came before it): 7/10
This is personal preference, but I don't think you need "Conversion" before (1) in the title. I already know the book is titled "Conversion."

This chapter is long. Way too long. Your readers aren't invested in the story yet, and if they have to keep scrolling, and the scroll bar keeps shrinking, it gets to the point where readers want to move on to something else. This could easily be split into three or four chapters. Inkitt says readers prefer 1900-2500 word chapters, and I think that's a good goal to shoot for. Later on, once you're deeper into the story and your readers are more invested, you can do a longer chapter here or there without worrying about losing them.

So, one way to shorten the chapter is to remove the info blurbs throughout and stick them in their own chapter. Character images and intros, JEO uniforms, equipment, school uniforms, etc. - all of these break up the story and make the reader lose their train of thought. I like all this information, but not in the first chapter. Put it all in an intro chapter and see how much that shortens this chapter. I'm betting it won't seem like such a long read just with that fix, because, like I said, the blurbs break the reader's connection to the story. If a scene has enough action and drive, it's easier for a reader to get involved and lose track of time/length. Your scenes have action and drive, and they'll speak for themselves once they aren't broken up by extra info.

Okay, so, I do like the character pics and intros, but the pics have a super strong elvish/fantasy feel to them. I would expect something with a darker and more severe tone, based on the contents of the chapter, but you're the author, and if this is the look you're going for, it's fine.

Now for the JEO uniforms. You can really simplify this section. I had to reread a couple of times to identify the differences in the uniforms, because they're so similar. You only really need a description of a normal JEO uniform, without a note about male/female, since that doesn't matter, and then a note about commanders getting badges on the chest and special agents getting golden waistbands. I would capitalize the beginning of each section after the colons, too, since the sections that have multiple sentences look weird with the first word of the first sentence lower case. Also, "it's" under 1 and 2 Working should be "its."

Adding a note about mild explicit language to the content warning in the blurb would be nice (or strong explicit language, if it goes that way).

You have a tendency toward wordiness, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but there are times when extra words can make sentences confusing and convoluted, or just a little clunky and bulky. For example, in the sentence where Semen says, "Certainly, we have nothing to fear about," I would cut the "about," as it's unnecessary and makes the sentence a little clunky. Similarly, in the first paragraph after Kagaro's picture, you can just say he "saluted Awara." The "toward" is unnecessary. When they're discussing trusting Kagaro, another phrasing issue comes with Hecto's question: "There is not another reason out there to not trust him, right?" It's a little confusing. You can cut words to make it clearer: "There isn't a reason not to trust him, right?" I noticed you don't always use contractions, which is fine, but in this case, I think it sounds better with the contract "isn't" than with the words spelled out. Same thing with the description after Skills for item 1 under equipment. Cutting words makes the idea clearer. Something like, "There is a specific way to jump which requires harsh training and mental control." And so on throughout. A great way to find these areas is to just read the story aloud. You'll feel how unnatural some sentences are, and you may even automatically correct them while you say them.

On another note, there are times when your phrasing or choice of words can be a bit repetitive - confidence/confidently, mix of emotions/mix of uncertain emotions. It's not a big deal, but something to watch out for in your writing, as it can get boring if it's overdone.

A random quotation mark got separated from its sentence right after Satar's intro - easy fix. "Gairen" is spelled that way when first introduced, but later, her name is spelled "Gaieren," and then it shows up as "Gairen" again.

Okay, so, I already said this chapter could be split into multiple chapters, but I don't like the current order. I'd put the "In the year 3015..." first, then Dr. Gairen/Gaieren's bit, then the battle sequence, then the school. But, the huge info dump from Sonomo doesn't make sense in a schoolgirl conversation. Yes, they'll talk about this stuff, but Sonomo isn't going to be the authority who knows all the intricate details. Those details would go better in the first bit with "In the year 3015."

Genre: -10
I do like this. It's really well-written, just with a few kinks to iron out. But. This does not fit into the Thriller category. It is Science Fiction all the way. I'm sure Thriller elements come into play later in the story, but they haven't yet. So, unfortunately, I do have to deduct points because this is in the wrong genre.