Interested in some constructive criticism? Want to know what awards I've judged? This is the place where I'm keeping track of informal feedback requests, detailed scoring for awards, full book reviews, and anything else of that nature. If you're int...
Full title:Dungeon by Ablazeisaleo Source: Blossom Awards 2024 Category: Thriller Mature: N Status: Ongoing Round 1: 36/40 Round 2: Judged by NoelleAnn397
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*****
Round 1 total: 36/40
Title: 9/10 The only reason this is a 9 is because of the cover mentioning "The Dungeon Series." Putting the series in the title helps readers find all the books in the series easily. You can just do something like, "The Dungeon Series: Dungeon." Or whatever. Something that just reflects the series.
Blurb/synopsis: 9/10 I prefer shorter blurbs, but I don't think you give too much away with this blurb, so it's fine. My only issue is with the last paragraph. Switching between the singular subject "Bryan" and the plural group that includes him, Arnold, Jessica, and Ethan gets a little confusing with the proper nouns, especially since they/them can be used to apply to a singular person. What I think would fix it would be something like this: First sentence, saying, "them all," to show we're not just talking about Bryan (the subject of the last sentence of the last paragraph). Last sentence, same thing, adding "all" after "them" to show the switch from just talking about Bryan to including the whole group. On another note, the second to last sentence is a bit wordy. You already said the story is gripping, and it's repetitive and unnecessary to mention its vice-like grip only a few words later. Just cut out the "in its vice-like grip," and that fixes that.
Cover: 9/10 The only reason this is a 9 is because I really have to squint to read the small text at the top or the bottom. I know this is a Wattpad thing, and it's super annoying, but, since this is a Wattpad cover, you have to work within those constraints. If you put text on the cover, I assume you want people to read it, which means it has to be big enough to show up when a possible reader is scanning book covers for their next read. Otherwise, the colors, images, font, all go together really nicely.
First chapter (and everything that came before it): 9/10 I skipped the featured reading lists and awards because I don't want them to influence my opinion, but kudos!
A neat, professional author's note. Very nice. I'm used to author's notes being very casual, but I like your tone here.
Well, chapter 1 is off to a gripping start, as promised.
Your comma usage seems a bit excessive at times. I know this is primarily a style preference, but I'm just pointing it out.
Wording/phrasing can be a bit awkward at times. For instance, when the criminal first speaks, "...being so soft when knowing," feels awkward and clunky. I think something like, "being so soft even though you know," feels more natural, but play around with it. Similarly, later on, "...quickly caught the clock," doesn't feel right. Something like, "glanced at the clock," sounds better to me. Again, style choice, up to you.
Great start. A bit short for a first chapter, but that's kind of a breath of fresh air for me right now, reading chapters that are way too long for first chapters. It gets the job done. Intense, heart pounding, gripping, leaving you wondering if Bryan was the boy, if that nightmare really happened, what he will encounter next. It makes the reader read on, and that's the point.
